In my last column I took a much needed break from being sarcastic, pessimistic and, in general, a real Debbie downer. But today I’m back in my element, mocking romantic notions as much as Pauly D. and the Situation mock the untanned (GTL, baby). So here goes nothing:
Back in the day, sonnets were cool. Willy Shakes banged them out like a 7th grader writes angsty songs to post on Myspace. And what did he write about? What did any of the great poets write about? Mostly they wrote about nature or love. Sometimes they wrote about the nature of love. But love has become an outdated poem topic. You don’t need me to tell you that though. I’m sure you’re just as tired of reading about love as I am. So instead, I’d like to take a moment to look at love’s neglected cousin — unrequited love.
At first glance, unrequited love is unquestionably romantic. The idea of someone being head over heels, devastatingly in love with you even when you aren’t reciprocating his or her feelings is, if nothing else, flattering. But at a certain point, unrequited love loses its appeal. The starry-eyed adoration that your admirer has for you can become excessive. Not all of us can handle men standing outside our windows blasting Peter Gabriel songs or boys standing in a patch of poison oak just to get a good look at us walking home from class (wow Charlie Brown, you were totally stalking the Little Red-Haired Girl).
But what about when you’re on the other side of unrequited love? What about when you’re the cooterhead who can’t stop thinking about the object of your affection? What happens when you start contemplating which song to play on a stereo while standing outside someone’s window? Personally, I’d say that if the person you’re in love with doesn’t love you back, then follow in the steps of my man Jay-Z and move on to the next one. There are seven billion people in the world. Yes, some of those people are babies (shout out to Dr. Charlie Green), so you probably shouldn’t fall in love with them, but that still leaves like a bazillion other people. So why pine over a person who doesn’t give two shits about you?
Contrary to popular belief, I’m not a total a-hole. I recognize the fact that you can’t control who you are in love with. That doesn’t change my stance on the matter though. I’m not saying, “Shame on you; it’s your fault for being unrequitedly in love.” I’m asking you what you plan on doing about it.
The way I see it, there are two ways to get out of this situation. You can either decide to get over the person or you can make them fall in love with you. If you choose the first option, then I suggest that you wallow. Eat tons of chocolate and ice cream, watch a break-up movie and listen to sappy songs (“Sea of Love” always makes me want to cry). Once you’ve done all of that, get wasted, rinse and repeat.
Alternately, you can choose to become an active hero and make the love of your life fall for you. That is, however, a little trickier — especially if you want to do it without coming off as a crazy stalker bitch. But with the help of the Internet, you’ll be well on your way to requited love.
The Internet has brought our generation many great things: Facebook, Wikipedia, Tumblr and Nerve.com, to name a few. It’s also brought us a whole slew of really weird websites, the most pertinent of those being Spell Caster Info. Spell Caster will help you find the right love spell and, according to the website, “No one is immune to the power of a good love spell.” Aren’t you glad to hear that?
For those of you who left your wands at home this semester, don’t worry. While the Internet has little promise for you, you can always head to the nearest bookstore and pick up a copy of How to Make Someone Fall in Love With You in 90 Minutes or Less. And I’ve heard that love spells can get pretty complicated, so reading the book might even take less time than preparing and casting a spell.
In conclusion, unrequited love, like childbirth, is a sick cosmic joke (though babies themselves are pretty cool). The giver of this unrequited love is left unsatisfied because he or she remains unloved and the receiver, despite the fact that he or she will enjoy the extra attention at first, will end up feeling guilty for denying the other person love and affection. So start brushing the cobwebs off your cauldron and wiping the dust off your reading glasses — it’s time to take matters into your own hands. Maybe you can even come up with your own hashtag: #TeamAntiUnrequitedLove anyone? I could definitely see that trending in the near future.
Hazel Gunapala is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Appropriately Cynical appears alternate Thursdays this semester.