It’s that time of year again: crunchy auburn leaves rest on the sidewalks, people are wearing sweaters, hot chocolate sales are up and the frigid wind is wafting with anticipation of long lonely nights in the library. That’s right, it’s finals season: when whatever is left of your passion for learning is squashed under study guides and textbooks.
What ever are we to do? How will we get through these two stressful weeks of finals?
Sex. I know, I know, you knew it was coming (pun intended). There is no better study break or stress reliever than some physical activity between the sheets.
But I don’t have time for sex! Are you kidding me? If I don’t study every single minute I will fail, then I’ll never get into med/law/grad school!
Relax. Frequent breaks are proven to make the time you do spend studying more efficient. So instead of taking your study break by reading about the historical significance of Occupy Wall Street, you should wake up to the movement in your pants and Cock-upy Ball Street. And you won’t even get pepper sprayed (unless that’s what you’re into).
You make it sound so simple, as if I have a list of people I can just randomly text to have sex with me.
Honestly, I’m sure some of you do have that list. But for the rest of us, here’s what to do: picture that one person in your classes that you’ve always wanted to get it on with. I know you have one. After your next class, say something like, “Hey, we should study together for this final, can I get your number?” I know you’re nervous, but just say it. This world does not reward cowardice. Then invite the person of interest to do something, anything, this weekend. If he or she accepts, spit some game and make a move. After you’ve hooked up once, things will be a breeze, and hopefully you’ll have a new study week hook-up buddy. If your target needs some convincing, casually reference this week’s sex column, and you two will be bumpin’ and grinding in no time.
Even better than the above strategy is library romance. Picture it: you walk into Mann, slightly weary but determined to read six chapters of your textbook. You sit down at one of those four person tables, and across from you is probably the sexiest person you’ve ever seen, or at least the sexiest person you’ve seen today. As hard as you try to focus on your book, you find your eyes wandering upward. Suddenly, your eyes meet. Your pulse races — but you resist, trying to voyage back into academia. Coffee will help you focus. As you rise to head down to Manndibles, he rises with you. He strikes up a conversation about nothing, but you both know what’s happening. You forgo the coffee to “check out a book” with him, and suddenly the library is steamier than the foam atop that forgotten latte.
I think we’re now at the point where the topic of “sex in the stacks” cannot be ignored. It’s study week, the stacks are so close and we’re all thinking about it. Personally, I think SITS is overrated and over-hyped. Who wants to have sex surrounded by dusty books about dendrochronology? I guess its appeal is in its danger and spontaneity, but I’d rather have sex in a place where I can enjoy it and take my grand old time.
But, I have to admit, I have dabbled in this phenomenon. It was finals week last semester, as you would have it. The job was done by just two fingers, and — shout out to that lucky guy — it was awesome. I returned to my studies with renewed vigour.
My point is this: if you bypass sex to study, where does it end? Bypassing sex for your career? Abstinence so you have time to hang out with your dog? Plenty of adults are living sexless lives, and you can’t fall into that pattern at the crux of your sexual life! All I have to say is, it’s not just the books you should be hitting hard this finals week.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.