I had never heard of a missed connection until last week, when my friend Mary Sue told me that she likes to read them for fun. For those of you who are like me and don’t know what this is, a missed connection is a type of Craigslist posting. For example, a man will write a post saying that he saw a hot woman, smiled at her, thought she smiled back, but unfortunately was unable to get the name or contact information of said sexy woman. In conclusion, missed connections are the perfect opportunity for a social experiment and there is only one thing I enjoy more in life than awkward social experiments: pub crawls in the Commons that end with some quality time at the Sun office (or at Shortstop Deli for a cream cheese and jelly bagel). But that’s a story for another time.
After giving the missed connection experiment minimal additional thought, I opened up an incognito window on Google Chrome (this is one thing I do not want showing up on my browser history) and started my journey. First I made a bogus email account using the alias of “Sexy Lady.” Then I went through missed connections postings in several cities that I don’t live in (I didn’t want to answer any in Ithaca and accidentally end up meeting Morgan T.). Finally, I picked five listings to answer, some of which seemed fairly innocent and others of which seemed … not very innocent. And now I would like to share the details of one man who is missing more than a connection.
“Slim” is from Raleigh, North Carolina. His posting was about a girl he saw at a gas station. He included in his listing one fact that I found rather interesting: He’s married. I replied saying that I wasn’t the girl he was looking for, but that I thought he was pretty ballsy for including his marital status in the post. To which he replied, “Wanna meet like right fucking now?” He sent a follow-up email about four seconds later asking for a picture.
Well, Slim, I’d like to meet you, too. Oh, except that I don’t actually know anything about you, so you may just be a sex offender (in addition to an adulterer). And I don’t actually live in Raleigh nor have I even been to the grand old state of North Carolina. But that didn’t seem like the appropriate response for this social experiment. Instead I told him that I was busy today. Then I asked him if he wasn’t having sex with his wife (I guessed) because she was one of those women who doesn’t know there are positions other than missionary. The answer was yes. Damn, I’m good.
The rest of our conversation was what I assume people generally talk about in missed connection emails. For instance, I told him my ex-boyfriend joined the priesthood and he told me that he didn’t have a tiny penis nor was he hideous. Okay he didn’t just tell me that … I asked. Then he asked me for my picture a second time and told me he was sexually frustrated (I’m sure I wouldn’t have guessed that otherwise). We have not communicated since.
I give Slim …
• Seven on the sleazy scale: He was looking for an affair, but at least his wife wasn’t pregnant or dying (to my knowledge).
• Eight on the idiot scale: He didn’t know that “a lot” was two words, and he used the abbreviation “ur.”
• Seven on the immorality scale … for obvious reasons.
• Ten on the indiscreet scale: He was using Craigslist to find some kind of lover exotica and then having the responses sent to his personal email account.
• Four on the persistence scale: He only asked for my picture twice and only emailed me three times after I stopped replying. He also asked me to meet him a mere three times (even after I told him there was a greater chance of Stalin Jr. becoming president than me meeting him). Disappointing for someone I expected to be sexually disturbed in some way.
All in all, on a scale from 1-10 — 10 being someone who you should NOT meet because he is likely to end up on To Catch a Predator in the near future and 1 being someone as harmless as Jiminy fucking Cricket — I would give Slim a measly 4. While his adulterous agenda could probably land him in one of hell’s circles, I’m not really interested in playing Dante. I deem him a 4 mostly because he didn’t try that hard to meet me. He asked a few times, sure, but he didn’t ask for my phone number nor did he offer his. He didn’t even suggest meeting at some park bench — the true mark of a sexual predator. He didn’t suggest any weird sexual fetishes either. The guy didn’t even ask what size bra I wear (which seems like an obvious question for a guy looking for easy sex)!
Slim is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but he seems like he’d test negative for the rapist gene. He’s not even the über douche lord I was expecting when I first answered his post (I’m judging douche lord status based on the fact that he didn’t send me pictures of his abs taken in the mirror using a cell phone camera). In fact, I would only categorize Slim as a grade B+ asshole.
What have we learned today? Honestly, not much. Even though Slim doesn’t strike me as the sex offender type, I’m sure there are a lot of other sick fucks on Craigslist. If there is anything you can learn from my column today, it’s rather simple: browsing (and replying to) Craigslist posts for missed connections may be the next big development in forms of procrastination.
Hazel Gun is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. Appropriately Cynical appears alternate Thursdays this semester.