Right foot, green. Left hand, blue. “Simon says, leg above my shoulder, now bend your right knee.” When your sex mate begins to shout out these directions, you don’t know whether to feel turned on by the kinkiness or to feel a bit pedophilic. You may be brought back to the fourth grade when Twister was the equivalent to a one night stand and when Simon was some fictional dictator, not the guy trying to strip you down. In those days, the hokey pokey did not bend you over after you turned yourself around.
During sex, I discover college guys miss playing these childish games. They seem to believe that trying odd, dangerous and uncomfortable sex positions makes them adventurous. Attempting a new sex position is as important to a guy as beating the next level in Call of Duty. College guys expect acrobatics in bed. Sorry, but real women, even young, supple, college-age women, are not as flexible as the girls you see in porn, the gymnastics portion of the Olympics or bent into a 2’ x 2’ box at the carnival. Most girls cannot put both of their legs above their heads or do the splits. I can, but I am an exception. Guys like to fantasize about the innumerable possibilities when it comes to positions, but get real. Let’s keep sex positions in the realm of the humanly possible.
To me, sex is about a rhythm between two people, or three or four. Sex rocks the boat. Thank you for your wisdom, Aaliyah. Good sex transports people to another place. We can call it a sort of meditation, where minds and hands wander unconsciously. I am advocating sex without awkward position changes, sex that flows like yoga, sex that can get you there and make you hold on for dear life. Unlike my view of spiritual sex, many men think of sex visually, as men are visual creatures. Men crave to see women from the most intimate of angles during sex. They want to see the act of sex rather than focus on the feeling.
Now, there is no one who would call me a straight missionary girl, but give the old-fashioned way a chance once in a blue fuck. There really is some truth to its long lasting prevalence among maters worldwide. On the first entrance, missionary is an easy way in. We can compare missionary on the first thrust to walking into a building through a door, but not an automatic door, I hope. Many times I have tried the spoon position for the initial entrance. We could say that the guy didn’t walk through that door, but scooted up to the window and squeezed his way through. Sex this tough does not please girls, neither does a new position that requires a list of instructions, complete with pictures. We don’t want to be bent every which way, we want pleasure. It was an unfortunate event that first taught me this lesson.
It’s time to take a trip into the beginnings of my sex life: My deflowerment, as some may call it. He was from Minnesota and we had met at summer camp. How innocent, right? Well, not quite. I called him Matt, but the boys called him Mammoth. I knew what I had coming to/inside of me.
He visited me one weekend and we had decided beforehand that we wanted to go all the way. So the very first night, he snuck into my bed, which, unlike at summer camp, did not creak when the movement got going.
An Irish Enlightenment writer, Edmund Burke, once said, “Our patience will achieve more than our force.” If only Edmund had brought Matt some of his wisdom before that night. We may have started out slow, both of us a bit nervous, but soon the touching turned into grasping and the kissing to tonguing. We wanted to have each other, and so it came time for that pivotal moment in any virgin’s life — the BIG shaBANG.
He was kissing my neck and rubbing real close to my mole hole, as we shall call it. He held me so tight in front of him. It was his first time, so I think he imagined some magic door down there would open right up for such a fine penis as his own. Let us remember, I am young and a virgin. The boy lying next to me is nicknamed Mammoth, and he is trying to do me — SPOON POSITION. Now it is obvious to all of us sex fanatics that the “spoon” position is possible only after 15-20 minutes of manual stimulation of the mole hole, 5-10 minutes of oral stimulation, or missionary for a rhythmic 2-4 minutes. Again, Matthew, “Our patience will achieve more than our force.” Slow it down and try it out another way. I told him to get on top of me and this is where I was introduced to the real Mammoth. Of course he lasted a good three minutes and that was that, but my goodness, did I feel a big difference between the two positions.
I am merely suggesting that you do what works. If doggy-style is the way you want to hit it, then doggy all day. I am making a stand to say that complex sex positions are not all they are cracked up to be. Slight changes in angles, focus and speed can make one position hit you in all new zones of pleasure. Trust what feels good, not what is on the daily calendar in the book of 365 Sex Positions.
Mona M. is a junior in the College of Agriculture and Life Sciences. One Night Stand appears alternate Thursdays this semester. Feedback and submissions may be sent to firstname.lastname@example.org.