The Sun’s list of 161 things to do before you graduate gives you a pretty solid basis for a bucket list. But in my opinion, there’s one thing we ladies should add to the list. #162: Hook up with/seduce a freshman when you’re a senior. Sounds kind of weird, right? Wrong. But in case you have some moral quandaries about this (or are just concerned with the legality of the situation), I’ve made a nifty pro-con list for you.
1) Age — First thing’s first, these guys are in their prime. They’re no longer jailbait, so it’s safe to make your move. You can’t hook up with anyone younger than a freshman without being a pedophile, so get on the prowl at a frat party, you cougar. This is your chance to practice becoming the next Demi Moore.
2) Location, location, location — A big deterrent to most who consider hooking up with a freshman is the fact that they live on North. Except that’s not really an issue, is it? What freshman is going to make you come to his dorm? What idiot is going to try and impress you with his tiny forced triple in Dickson? If this guy is at Cornell, he’s smart enough to know that he’s not going to be able to impress you by showing you around North Campus. So don’t you worry, he’ll trek his ass over to Collegetown to see you.
3) Meal Swipes — Sunday brunch at RPCC. Enough said.
4) Respectful — Freshmen aren’t accustomed to our hook-up culture. It’s highly likely that many of them haven’t had a one night stand (a number of them are probably still virgins, actually) so they aren’t going to jump into your bedroom expecting sex on the first “date.” They might even be a little shy (unless they’re drunk, in which case, all bets are off). So take a moment to enjoy the company of a slightly more respectful person.
5) Inexperience — Once you get to senior year, you get pretty damn cocky. You think you know what’s up, and maybe you do. Sometimes that’s nice, but freshmen can offer you something else. Freshmen are malleable. They’re still willing to learn, so you can shape them into the hook-up you want them to be. Want them to text you more? Want them to stop drunk dialing you? Whatever you want, you can probably get because let’s be real — the ball will pretty much always be in your court. As the cool / sexy / experienced upperclassman, you can easily manipulate your freshman to be at your every beck and call.
6) Eager to please — What I’m getting at here is you’ll be on the receiving end of a lot of oral sex. There’s nothing like some good ’ole cunnilingus on a Saturday night.
7) The Diploma Drop — There’s an expiration date on the hook-up, so you can drop ‘em easy peasy when senior week rolls around. No beating around the bush, no lame excuses, no “I’ll definitely call you when I come visit!” It’s like the Turkey Drop for incoming freshmen, except for graduating seniors.
1) Um … they’re barely 18; are you seriously considering sleeping with someone that young? I Atticus flinched at the very suggestion (Atticus flinching is when you make like Atticus Finch and flinch at the mere thought of something immoral).
2) The other age issue — They’re under 21 so you won’t be able to take them to the bars. I suppose there are some freshmen out there who have fakes, but I can’t imagine that many of them do.
3) There is no three, actually. So, I gave you seven pros and two cons. I think that list speaks for itself — go find a freshman. Now. In fact, if you’re a junior, you should just crash one of the campus tours and claim a pre-frosh for yourself.
Okay, but really, there is one last con. Freshmen are inexperienced. I did list this as a pro, but it can also be a con for those of you with a conscience. By the time we get to senior year, we have become weary of others. We know how this system of hooking-up works. If you have a regular hook-up, you know it’s just that — a hook-up. You try not to get emotionally attached. If anything, you want to care less than they do. You want to call the shots. You want to send the booty text, not receive it. You know what it’s like to get burned by someone who you thought was more than a sex friend. It’s only natural to want to protect yourself.
Then this freshman comes along with no agenda. He’s not jaded. Not yet, anyway. He hasn’t been used and abused. He appreciates you. So the surprise is when you find that your freshman is a real person. One who doesn’t deserve to be taken advantage of. Wait, did I just talk you out of hooking-up with a freshman? Shit. What I meant to say was that someone older and more callous is going to play him for a sucker anyway, so it might as well be you. You, who may have just developed a conscience. You, who will take care to play the game just right so that your wippersnapper may simply think of you as beguiling. And all the better — you’ve just enhanced his freshman experience by giving him street cred for having hooked up with a senior when he was a lowly freshman. Congratulations, you emotionally unavailable jerk / manipulative mastermind.
Hazel Gunapala is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at email@example.com. Appropriately Cynical appears alternate Thursdays this semester.