The Sun’s Berry Patch reporters have no ethics. They also have a thirst for blood. They recently decided to bring together one male and one female from some of Cornell’s most aggressive campus organizations to fight to the death. This year, the Cornell Republicans, the Cornell Democrats, the Student Assembly, Cornell Organization for Labor Action, Pep Band and the Association of Computer Science Undergraduates kicked off the competition. May the odds be ever in their favor.
Right out of the gate, the Cornell Republicans started battling it out. It was like a vicious Presidential primary where only one of the two could win. The most handsome and rich of the two came out alive, severely wounded. He was quickly taken out by a member of the Cornell Democrats, who pounced down from the trees on the embattled Republican, ending his life with severe blows to his character and a ton of negative political advertising.
Cymbal Guy was one representative for the Pep Band. His first feat during the competition was to ensnare the snare drummer, the other Pep Band member competing. He was then free to turn his attention to the rest of the field. Known for his endurance when playing the cymbals really loudly at Cornell Hockey games, he also proved his endurance in the challenge. When one of the COLA representatives came at him running naked, armed with a bullhorn and angry letters to President David Skorton, Cymbal Guy took him out with one quick blow of his cymbals.
The other COLA member tried to get everyone to disaffiliate with the competition, just like he tried to get the University to disaffiliate with the Fair Labor Association. He was about as successful at the former as he was at the latter, and was killed soon after. A Student Assembly candidate had a similar idea. He tried to draft a resolution to get The Sun to end this competition, but The Sun doesn’t really care about the petty requests of the Student Assembly, so that ended quickly.
The computer science group proved to be the most crafty. Immune to the idea of sleep, they came in with the biggest advantage. They quickly discovered that the best option would be to construct a giant booby trap outside of Libe Café, ensnaring everyone who walked in the door. This successfully took out everyone on the Student Assembly, the Cornell Democrats and the COLA representatives, as these groups couldn’t resist the temptation to go into their usual roosts.
Cymbal Guy saw his opportunity. After years of going to athletic games, he decided to use his connections on the sports teams, sending a horde of athletes to take out the nerds once and for all. Cymbal Guy, finally defeating the competition, let out a deafening roar. Now, the campus, left without its leaders, is turning to Cymbal Guy for guidance. He now writes letters to Skorton and runs naked through the Arts Quad to protest all clothes made by workers. Skorton is confused.