The other night, I ordered Insomnia Cookies. While you may think this is a lame way to start a sex column, bear with me. It was a Friday, and if you know me at all, I was not going to sit in my room Friday night and eat Insomnia Cookies. I ordered them for my roommate, as an apology of sorts for the night before. You see, my semi-drunken sexual exploits were disruptive on a night where my roomie needed some intense shut-eye.
So the cookies arrived. I answered the door, and to my surprise, there stood an extremely sexy delivery boy. I hadn’t remembered Insomnia delivery boys to be so attractive, although to be fair, I hadn’t ordered Insomnia since first semester freshman year. Yet there he was.
“So you’re having a low-key night tonight?” he asked. Low-key? Please, I was standing there in a see-through shirt and four-inch heels, what did he think I was doing?
“No, these are for my roommate, I’m actually preparing to rage pretty hard at a north campus frat house tonight.” As I spoke, he handed me the cookies, but he didn’t quite let go.
“Is your roommate home?” He asked. I responded that she wasn’t. Our eyes locked and we both realized where this was going.
I invited him upstairs to have some cookies. We shared a double chocolate chunk cookie, soon engaging in a warm passionate kiss. Things escalated rapidly from there, soon we were going at it so acrobatically that my roommate’s cookies spilled all over the floor.
I’m sorry, this can’t go on. This didn’t happen. Well, the part about the sexy Insomnia Cookies delivery boy and the fact that I wanted to invite him upstairs happened. Seriously though, this guy was good looking. As he was walking away, I wondered why the classic scene we all know so well from pornography never quite plays itself out in real life.
As an aside, I don’t really watch porn. And by that I mean, I’ve only seen porn maybe one time. I guess it’s just something I never got into. I was thinking about watching a bunch of porn for the first time then writing column about it at some point. Maybe next time.
Anyway, the excitement of this delivery boy situation lies in that it’s so unexpected. Think about when you order food for delivery. What are your plans usually? Probably to lounge around stuffing your face watching Game of Thrones. Having sex with your delivery man/woman is the last thing you’d expect to happen. So if it ever did happen, it would be completely awesome. You could get some real, gritty material for the next porno you’re going to write.
Sex itself is, more often than not, expected. But what comes close to being as great as unexpected sex, is sex that is unexpectedly great. You all know what I’m talking about.
It usually plays out like this: The girl or guy you’re expecting to hook up with is fairly attractive. He or she is good looking but not in an overtly sexual, Sofía Vergara way. Maybe a little nerdy (we go to Cornell after all), but pretty funny. Generally you’re expecting some average, run of the mill kind of stuff in the bedroom. But then when the sex actually happens, it’s amazing.
Not only is it some of the best sex you’ve ever had, but they seem to automatically know your likes and dislikes without any kind of prior sexual education! How were they harnessing this sexual prowess within their completely normal persona? Why didn’t they tell you before how great in bed they were? Maybe you could have prepared yourself before, upon finishing, you blurted out that they should be your date to your next sorority function. That, my friends, is unexpected.
Morgan T. is a junior in the College of Human Ecology. She may be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org. After Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.