We’ve all heard the rumors by now, and they’re true. International pop sensation Justin Bieber will be attending Cornell University in the fall. Through means he’d rather not divulge, this columnist was able to secure Bieber’s private journal. The following entries detail Bieber’s experiences during his first official visit to Cornell this past weekend.
Friday Afternoon: Arrival
Not going to lie, I thought Ithaca was one of the boroughs. Whatever, it’s only four hours out from the City. Yeah it’s remote, but what better place to hide a baby mama and my kid … I mean what baby mama? What kid? Whew! That was a close one.
Maybe I can get one of those bearded farm people I saw driving in to take me to the City in their little carriages. I’m digging that type of throwback taxi service. Seriously, those carriages and beards are adorable. Not to mention their little outfits. Nice touch Ithaca.
Checked out the freshmen dorms on North. Mews seems pretty fucking nice. Getting swarmed by packs of girls at each dorm I go to. Casual. Though when I walk through Balch Hall, none of the girls even try to touch me. Weird.
Looking to get my lunch game on. Told Statler Terrace is the place to be. There’s a huge line of girls waiting there. Wait, am I holding an autograph session? Nope, they’re waiting for a salad. A salad. It’s like they just invented the thing here. Same goes for frozen yogurt. I’m so starving though. I offer a private concert to any girl who lets me take her place in line. No one budges.
I’ll be honest — Cornell wasn’t my first choice. I got a non-acceptance from Harvard last month. I never use the r-word; I think it sets precedence for failure. Weak people get rejected. Justin Bieber gets non-accepted.
I still can’t believe I didn’t get into Harvard though. My common app essay said everything any college would ever need to know about me. “I’m Justin Bieber.” How good is that essay? It’s succinct, no typos and it accurately conveys the unique message that I’m Justin flippin’ Bieber. Hey Harvard, how many times has Usher been featured on your hit songs? Yeah, that’s what I thought. I’m not bitter though. Harvard sucks. Cornell is totally better in a lot of fields. Seriously, screw Harvard. I never wanted to go there anyway
Signing autographs for athletes at Schoellkopf. It’s taking forever … the football team has so many coaches … Had to cut the signing session short when some Mens’ Laxers get a bit too handsy near the end. Know your boundaries.
People up at Cornell are hilarious. A woman told me a good one today about there being a major called ILR. I know it’s “any person, any study,” but there have to be limits right? Right? But seriously, what major does someone who has never taken a class before choose? AEM? Got it.
Saturday Night: Party Time
Looking to get my grind game on. Get non-accepted from three frat parties. My four bodyguards are really a drag on my girl-guy ratio. Weak shit. Where all my ladies at? Justin wants somebody to love.
OMG! OMG! OMG! I just met Denice Cassaro. So real. Never have I meet someone with that level of passion for “Scrabble Night.” Reminds me of how passionate I get for all the songs my people write for me. So I agreed to perform at the next Karaoke and Krafts Mixer. How many people does RPCC Multipurpose Room 3 hold anyway? Hopefully under 5,000, cause I want a more intimate venue for this show. Either way, I just knocked off #2 on the 161 things to do. Think I’m gonna head to the Olin Stacks and knock something else off that list. That’s right folks, I’m going to take an unplanned nap in a library (#71). Wait, what were you thinking? Ewwww, that’s gross. Get your head out of the gutter Cornell. I’m saving myself for you.
It’s tough being the only celebrity here. Where’s Hermione at, anyway? Wrong Ivy? Damn, I wanted to hop on that. Apologies for the vulgarity, but come on, we all saw the movies. From the fifth one on, Emma Watson makes Selena Gomez look like Flora Rose. And where’s Franco? He has to go here. He takes classes everywhere.
I keep hearing Slope Day is a big deal here. Taio Cruz is performing? The name rings a bell. I think he wanted to work with me on a song a few years back, which was cute of him to want. And Neon Trees? I love that electronic hipster shit. “Polish Girl” is my jam.
Just met with Cayuga’s Waiters. They laughingly told me I won’t make their group, but whatevs. I can probably make another group, right? And if not, I can always form my own group. Or just buy a group that already exists. Yeah that’s it. I’ll buy Cayuga Waiters and rename them the Waitresses. Be warned Waiters. You mess with fire, you get burned.
BTW, I’m totally ditching Selena once I hit these slopes. I said I was doing college “the right way,” and that’s why I’m going to dump my beautiful Hollywood girlfriend for the fine women of Cornell. Selena might have the looks, but these Cornell babes got smarts. And they all look more attractive the longer and longer I’m here. How’s that work? I think I even saw a slightly tan girl on the Arts Quad earlier! P.S. J-Biebs is loving all the yoga pants. Keep ‘em coming ladies. I’ll be seeing you again soon.