There are over three-thousand new faces on campus this August, and there is no doubt that among them there are star students, stellar athletes and probably some other people who aren’t as smart or good at sports. They will come from diverse and exotic places across the globe — like New York City, New Jersey, Westchester County and Long Island. What the Cornell University class of 2016 (or class of 2017 if any of you architects make it out of the studio long enough to read this) is missing though, is something to spice up the “Notable Alumni” section on the Cornell Wikipedia page. Apparently Justin Bieber thought touring the world and playing music to thousands of adoring fans sounded a little better than trudging uphill both to and from class in the snow. Go figure.
Every year, Cornell sends recruiters to college fairs and high school wrestling matches, scouring the globe for the best students to bring to the hill. I have been to a high school wrestling match, and frankly, it was pretty underwhelming. Which brings me to the point of this column: It is time to tap into a whole new pool of college applicants — formerly relevant celebrities.
Listen up admissions office (or whoever handles new student recruitment) I have two hot leads who will be perfect for Cornell. First, John Stamos. It may seem like a long shot, but I really believe that Stamos will make a tremendous Cornell student. For one, he has dastardly good looks. Correct me if I am wrong, but Cornell is certainly the best looking school in the Ivy League (probably the world), and I think this will help John Stamos feel a little less conspicuous when he walks around campus. He already has an undergraduate degree from Wentworth Institute of Technology, and I’m not sure what he studied there, but given his career in showbiz, I will just assume he majored in chemical engineering. We all know that Cornell has great masters in engineering opportunities for former television stars. Plus being an engineer is a whole lot sexier than starring in some Greek yogurt commercials. Believe me — I can barely count the number of Greek Yogurt commercial offers I turned down, and engineering is doing wonders for my social life.
The second lead to follow for the new Cornell Celebrity Student Recruitment Task Force (or CCSRTF) that President Skorton is putting together literally right now is Art Garfunkel from Simon and Garfunkel. With those royalty checks from “The Sound of Silence” and “Mrs. Robinson” certainly coming less and less frequently, and expensive hair products to upkeep that glorious do, it may be time for Art to find a new gig to finance that hairstyle. Moreover, there are probably some deep-seated inferiority issues about being one of folk music’s most famous second bananas ever. Sure, Paul Simon may have made a multi-platinum album or two, but you want to know what he definitely does not have? An Ivy League education. Art Garfunkel would jump at the opportunity to finally have something over his more successful musical counterpart other than his killer blonde afro.
Imagine it. You walk into your first physical chemistry lab early in the semester, and Uncle Jesse is your T.A. Or you sit down in Introduction to Oceanography and who is there next to you but former folk music sensation Art Garfunkel. We saw what Emma Watson did for Brown, and star power like Stamos and Garfunkel would definitely outshine her.
Realistically though, it seems a little bit absurd to think that John Stamos or Art Garfunkel would come to Cornell. (It really might be better suited for a Dave Collier from Full House or Daryl Hall from Hall and Oates.) As it turns out, Stamos is playing drums with the Beach Boys and Art is 70 years old. They would probably just end up being those old students who raise their hand to ask a question but instead just tell an anecdote about their life and just makes everyone a little bit uncomfortable.
It looks like we will just have to make due with what we have now — students who will eventually make their way into the “Notable Alumni” section of the Cornell Wikipedia page. There certainly are plenty of students here who will do that. The only real problem with this is that there is no way of knowing who they will be. How disappointing would it be to see the world’s next Bill Nye or Christopher Reeve years after Cornell and think, “Hey! That guy sat next to me in Integrated Cattle Nutrition, and I never talked to him?” Literally anyone could be the next notable alum.
So as the new school year starts and your schedule fills with hours of classes, it is the perfect time to befriend the next John Stamos. They don’t need to find a hit sitcom with the Olsen twins to be famous, though that definitely can’t hurt their chances. Maybe they’ll be the architect of the next Empire State Building, the author of the next great book or the next owner of the Four Seasons Maui (free room service anyone?). There is no reason not to introduce yourself. The first few weeks of each college semester are one of the few times in life where it isn’t weird to start a conversation with a total stranger. Why not take advantage of it? Maybe you’ll end up sitting next to the future Art Garfunkel.
Christo Eliot is a sophomore in the College of Engineering. He may be reached at email@example.com. The Tale of the Dingo at Midnight appears alternate Thursdays this semester.