Back by popular demand, I am finishing what I started two Mondays ago with the column “Top Five Men at Cornell Not to Date.” I nearly reconsidered the content of this article because fellow columnist Andrew McCue’s comments were so clever/witty/biting. Dude, Andrew a) the Andrew that was featured as the number one guy not to date wasn’t you, so keep your panties on, b) though you made fun of my article you stole its premise and c) wanna grab coffee sometime?
For all those who e-mailed in either staunch support or outrage with regard to my column, I appreciate your feedback. Well, without further ado ...
6. The Cocky Law Student
His Line: “Judging as a reasonable man of ordinary prudence, it is foreseeable that I will get in your pants.”
Game: They travel in packs — rather like freshmen — but they differ in the fact that they are not inclusive or particularly friendly. You will see them bedecked in linen, casually eating sandwiches at Willard Straight, or in Polo and boating shoes at the Palms. I am reluctant to categorically dismiss this group of men, because there are quite a few very attractive law students. But it is my duty, as a serious journalist, to warn you about these seemingly harmless creatures.
Perks: Light and unsubstantial chitchat. You can know this guy for an entire year without actually having a real conversation with him. He can probably show you a thing or two about that curious art referred to as “networking.”
Downside: If you piss this guy off, he can, and will, turn the entire law school against you; it’s just like Heathers, only worse. (Note: Heathers is an eighties movie that addressed the frightening reality of high school social dynamics.)
7. The Sexless Wonder
His Line: “I’m saving puppies in Afghanistan; stay away from me, you silly woman!”
Game: Hard to get. He is charming and easy to talk to. He gives the impression that he is vaguely interested in you and has even asked to come up to your apartment to see your “view.” Funny thing is, he really did just want to see the view, and once he’s spotted the faint glimmer of Beebee Lake, he takes off. He wears seer-sucker pants, but never takes them off in the presence of a female.
Perks: Few. This might be the most irritating type of guy on the market. You may at first thinks he respects you, but it turns out he’s just afraid of you and your gender in general.
Downside: Hard to get is the only thing hard about him.
8. The Residence Hall Director
His Line: “Don’t project on me.”
Game: He seems like a deep soul — he likes to meditate and claims to be a Buddhist. He has a degree in psychology, which means he can categorize (not cure) all of your neurotic tendencies. When he talks to you, it almost seems as if he has been listening, but he is giving advice that is so generic it could be applied to anyone in any situation, much like a horoscope. He has learned the appropriate language to deal with feelings, but he treats you more like a patient than a girlfriend.
Perks: His digs are pretty sweet and you have unlimited access to Cornell Dining: not to mention you get a free psychological evaluation and medication consultation.
Downside: He has 150 children: all the students he’s responsible for in the dorm.
9. The Nervous Guy
His Line: “Are you Irish/pregnant/ (something equally awkward or inappropriate).”
Game: none
Perks: These men often could be attractive, if they gained some confidence. They are earnest, eager and endearing. Their inability to make conversation can be a form of entertainment in its own right. Some of these guys can be cocky, believe it or not, under their social discomfort — so watch out for that sort. In general, however, the nerdly nervous guy is the last candle of hope in the frightening world of college dating. This guy, more than any other, deserves a shot.
Downside: Swoopy hair, the combination of khakis and sneakers, uncomfortable pauses in conversation and a tendency to trip over feet and words.
10. The Fifth Generation Cornellian
His Line: “Olin Library? My grandfather built that.”
Game: With his interest in your pedigree, he gives a new meaning to being “his bitch.” He will regale you with stories of his family’s voyage on the Mayflower, and how for the past ten generations his ancestors went to Harvard, until his grandfather transferred to Cornell to enjoy the country life. He has a yacht, a trust fund and not a care in the world. The definition of a bad day is when he gets ketchup on his favorite Prada T-shirt (which is plain white and could be purchased at Target for a buck-fiddy.)
Perks: He will take you to a restaurant where he knows the head chef. He will promise to “protect” you and makes you feel safe, in that upper-crust-no-one-is-starving kind of way. Reality does not exist for this person, and pretty soon it will not exist for you.
Downside: He’ll dump you as soon as he finds out your grandfather was a door-to-door Encyclopedia salesman.
Claire Readhead is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at clr39@cornell.edu [1]. Tarnishing the Tiara appears alternate Mondays.
Links:
[1] mailto:clr39@cornell.edu