And so it begins.
The last semester of college is upon us seniors and, with it, the sudden, shattering realization that, come May, we are done. D-U-N. Done. The era of woo! college! will be over and we won’t have the ability to, well, be stupid anymore. Of course, that ability will never leave us, but what we will lose, more precisey, is others’ toleration of our being stupid.
So, coming to the end of our days, we should look to what we will do. And that, quite fittingly, takes us back to the old “161 Things Every Cornellian Should Do.” Most of us read these four years ago, but, I daresay, none of us have completed them. And this, of course, is unacceptable. Even though some of these things may be illegal/immoral/freakin’ awesome, it is up to us to make sure that everybody around us knows someone who hooked up with his or her T.A. (No. 78).
For those of us too lazy to turn over to page 18 to find the list of 161 Things Every Cornellian should do, here are a few standouts.
3. Have Sex in the Stacks. You know, if you ever get arrested for something, this is what you should be arrested for. I just think it’ll make the phone call to dad a lot easier. “Dad? ... Hi ... Not much ... you know, the usual ... um ... I’m kind of in prison right now ... yeah, I kind of got arrested .. I was caught having sex in the stacks ... thanks, dad, I know it’s awesome ... yes, apparently it’s illegal ... I know, that’s bullshit, right? ... So, I need some bail money?”
6. Slide Down Libe Slope. I’ve never understood this American obsession with sledding. I’m going to slide face-down on a tiny metal tray down a huge, steep hill, into oncoming traffic, where the only way to avoid the massive bus blaring its horns is to bail out and fall directly unto a slush-pile of muddy, frozen ice. Because there’s nothing in this world quite like ice down your boxers.
7. Take Wines. Now I can drink in school too? Yay! I don’t even have to take breaks anymore!
8. Streak across the Arts Quad. Oops. My shirt fell off. How’d that happen again? Be sure that, when you do it, you bring your green hat. Snoop-a-loop!
15. Go on a blind Facebook date. What does this even mean? Doesn’t Facebook negate the Blind Date factor? You know what the person looks like, what TV Shows they like, what she is like when she’s had her wine thanks to the photos, that they enjoy Archie comics, what more do you want?
19. Milk a cow. Huh? Milk a cow? Where are we, Wisconsin? Why not take it the extra yard and go cow tipping? Milking a cow also just looks like it’s tough to do. Plus, then you have to bring a bucket. And then you have all this milk you don’t really want. And you have to carry the bucket all the way back to Collegetown. And the bucket is so heavy. And your roommates will all be like, you did what? Let’s just not go down this road.
28. Meet Happy Dave. The guy is just awesome. And his taste in music fantastic. Honestly, you don’t know Cornell if you haven’t been eating a Cuban Sandwich to the melodious strains of Abba’s “Dancing Queen.”
47. Do the Walk of Shame. I’ve always taken issue with this misnomer. Walk of shame? The only ones who should be ashamed are your friends who went home alone to eat cold pizza and watch Sportscenter. You, my friend, scored! We ought to rename this the Strut of Pride, or the Frolick of Fame.
61. Write an Angry Letter to the Editor. Yes. Please. We love them. You think I’m joking, but I’m not.
70. Take Over a Building. But I don’t want to get deported again.
74. Throw a Flaming Pumpkin Into the Gorge. Huh? What? A flaming pumpkin? Who came up with this one? Ichabod Freakin’ Crane?
85. Hand Out Quartercards on Ho Plaza. Yes. Please. We love them. You think I’m joking, but this time, I actually am..
90. Get Thrown Out of Balch. But what if they actually want me there this time?
116. Get Asked If You’re Pregnant at Gannet. I’m offended! So I have a little holiday weight, okay? Hmmph!
119. Sing Drunk on the Blue Light Bus. In order to do this correctly, avoid doing it in the middle of nowhere because the driver will throw you off. To the applause of everyone else on that bus. This didn’t happen to me. Really.
122. Go on a Road Trip to Canada, Flirt with the Border Patrol, Smuggle Booze Back. This one is right up my alley. The first part is suspect, because, if I leave the country, I might not get back in. The second part doesn’t work as often as you’d think. Believe me, I’ve tried. The third part we should do every day.
139. Write a Dirty Message with Rocks in the Gorge. Can I do it in Spanish? Do I then not get in trouble? Or can we consider it a foul and not strike three?
160. Hug a Mexican. Capital idea! Why not start now?
Carlos Maycotte is The Sun’s Associate Editor. He can be contacted at cam98@cornell.edu. Tequila Sunrise appears Thursdays.