It is now the time of year for many a job interview to take place, fostering in our students much anxiety and dread. Spending a summer in a glass box eating Chinese food out of a paper box does not sound very appealing, but since it is one of the few ways to ensure that life after graduation will not be spent delivering said paper boxes, an internship can turn into a very necessary life choice. Not to mention the prospect seniors face of finding an actual job now that we will, in less than one hundred days, be leaving The Hill for what we can only hope will be greener pastures.
And so, in the spirit of alleviating much of the aforementioned anxiety, I will outline what I believe to be a model interview. The questions that people ask can be daunting, but if you roughly follow the forthcoming script, I guarantee (100 percent or your money back) that you will soon have a corner office and a gaggle of sycophants to follow your every turn.
Tell me a little bit about yourself.
I was born to a gypsy caravan under the guise of a full moon in the mountains of Sonora. Much of my childhood was spent chasing goats and running away from coyotes. It was there that I developed the nimble feet that allow me to flee the authorities with such grace and dexterity. Growing up as a robber, I believe, is what will give me a leg up when I’m important enough to be able to embezzle.
Why do you want to work here?
To be completely honest, I don’t even know what you guys do. I just walked in here one day on my way home from a rave, and that afternoon receptionist you have sure is something special. I mean, she sure has some great eyes. I haven’t seen a pair of eyes that big since I went to that Portuguese brothel. Also, there’s a strip joint around the corner which is just amazing. And belieeeeeve me, I know my strip clubs.
Why did you choose Cornell?
I didn’t. Not really. I kind of just showed up one day. I’m not technically a student, I guess, but I’ve gone to class on occasion. I mean, I think I still hold the record for “most times thrown out of Wines for drinking straight from the bottle.” I guess the most appropriate question would be why I stayed at Cornell. I don’t really like to go into that, but I’ll give you a hint: probation. Yeah. Not the academic kind.
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Honestly? I see myself preparing for the biggest presentation of my career. I need to be ready to give the best damn speech of my life. I just don’t see any other way that the parole board members will in good conscience release me.
What are your strengths?
Well, I can drink like no one else in town. I usually start drinking heavily at noon, and it does take me at least until four or five to get noticeably drunk. And it is only seldom that I get either overly bellicose or overly friendly. I tend to win at street fights — that’s usually because I get a lot of practice. Also, I’m Mexican, which Weitz, no matter how hard he tries, will never be.
What are your weaknesses?
Well, I tend to show up drunk. I’m also a poor team player, I don’t get along with people, I don’t show initiative, I’m not good at multi-tasking, I get distracted pretty easily, I don’t like being told what to do, I tend to lose my composure, I have a poor work ethic, wilt under pressure, tend to be lazy and generally ignore deadlines. On the bright side, however, I always have a bottle of the tequila at the ready for impromptu office parties!
Why is there a five-year gap in your résumé?
I spent some time on the ocean … I was doing … I guess you would call me a “pirate.” We just plundered and pillaged for a while. It was pretty fun. Also helped me research my screenplay: the Snakes on a Plane sequel, Bears on a Boat. My travels inspired such dialogue as “My God, Wendell! There seems to be a grizzly in the galley!”
Do you have a family?
(Long Pause) … Maybe? … I’m not entirely sure. In any case, I haven’t seen them in a while and will in no way be distracted by them. Which is good. Because I can barely even take care of a fern. Hell, I can barely take care of myself. Look at me. You think these are bruises under my eyes? No! They’re just circles. I ain’t slept in a week. It’s probably why I break out crying every once in a while.
If you were a tree, what kind of tree would you be?
I’ve given this question a lot of thought. It’s a predicament that haunts my dreams and frequents my freakouts. I was originally thinking I’d go with the chestnut tree because, well, I’m a big fan of chests. Then I wanted to go with the pine because I feel that it represents my state of constant, desperate loneliness. The Joshua tree would be awesome, but Bono placed a restraining order on me. I’m going to have to go with the palm tree, however, because it can actually defend itself.
What?
You ever try to stiff me on overtime, boss, I’ll drop a coconut on you. Word.
Note: This is an almost exact transcript of my last experience, where I was interviewed by this very important company which goes by the initials FBI. I think the interview went thoroughly well, and am expecting their call any day now. Godspeed.
Carlos Maycotte is The Sun’s Associate Editor. He can be contacted at cam98@cornell.edu [1]. Tequila Sunrise appears Thursdays.
Links:
[1] mailto:cam98@cornell.edu