Seriously, I Just Like Nice Clothes

Continuing from two weeks ago: a gentleman cuts one piece of food at a time. He orders the steak. He turns his phone off when he gets to class. He stands up to let someone past him into a crowded row of seats. He owns at least two pairs of dress shoes — a brown/burgundy and a black — and he doesn’t own a Hawaiian shirt unless he’s certain he’s the kind of person people know owns a Hawaiian shirt.

If you don’t know if that’s you, ask yourself this: Are you Louie Anderson or are you Wesley Clark? Are you hosting a game show, or are you leveling Belgrade?

But I digress from this week’s focus: A gentleman makes an honest effort to look put-together.

I went to a private Jewish elementary school, which means our flag-football team stunk, our tennis team was fantastic and we all got off from school for the High Holidays. I remember these fall mornings very well. Routinely, I’d dress and eat breakfast, and then walk upstairs to my parent’s bathroom where my father, in just his underwear, smelling of Brüt aftershave, would stand behind me to tie my necktie for me, all the while trying to swallow an entire mouthful of granola and M&M’s in one go.

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From somewhere deep in the recesses of the house my mother would yell, “Give his hair a nice part!” and father and son would make eye contact in the mirror and sigh because we both knew how positively egg-headed this made my nine year-old self appear.

But as Dad finished this fatherly chore, he would remark to his egg-headed son, with his mouth still mostly full, that I needed to do a better job tucking in my shirt, or tying my shoes or scraping the crud from my eyes. And so began a life-long appreciation of looking clean-cut.

You’ll notice that I said “looking” clean cut. I realize that we’re all busy students and don’t have time to shower twice a day. We can’t afford expensive clothing and are too lazy to shave when we wake up. That’s fine. But here, guys, are some reasonable tips to appearing, not being, put-together.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. Will people think I’m gay? Of course not, stupid. If you disagree, though, I’d be happy to listen to your my-sloth-makes-me-straight arguments. These aren’t highfalutin tips — these are simple suggestions to help lazy guys look presentable.

Say, for instance, you wake up in the morning and all that beer someone sprayed in your hair last night reminds people of There’s Something About Mary. If there’s no time for a shower, you’ve still got a few options. You can leave your hair as-is like Ridiculous Mike (does he still go here? That guy was amazing) or you can mask the grossness with some gel or a hat. I know most guys don’t own hair gel, but everyone knows someone who still spikes his hair and would be willing to give you a glob. As far as hats go, they’re to be worn straight forward unless you know for sure you look great with it at any other angle. And heaven help you if you wear one of those military Ché hats but don’t know who Ché is. You’re not fooling anyone.

Shirts are easy, because you should know right away whether or not they fit. If the shirt comes down below your zipper, if you get mistaken for Warren Sapp or if some hippie shouts “cool poncho, man!” then your shirt is too big. If your shirt doubles as a rash-guard, exposes even one armpit hair or lets people know you’re an “outie,” your shirt is too small. You want to be comfortable, and you don’t want classmates to wonder if you’re packing an Uzi under that sail, or if your bursting buttons are going to FUBAR someone.

And if you own a bowling shirt that needs to be dry-cleaned and a tuxedo that doesn’t, you’re probably not reading this anyway.

A really simple way to look put-together, but not actually expend any effort at all, is to wear a nice belt and a watch. Belts catch good attention and can distract from your ripped jeans. Your watch doesn’t even have to work. No one will know.

An even simpler way to look put together is to not wear those ripped jeans at all. Your one pair of Dockers probably hasn’t been washed since Spring Formal but, even wrinkled, it makes you look a lot better than the Levi’s you’ve worn three days in a row.

Finally, I can tell you that wearing just about anything other than your old running shoes makes you look like you got out of bed for a reason. Keep those shoes at the gym and find something nicer. Guys who spend a long time getting dressed care about what’s on their feet. If you pick something neat, people will think you care too. Here’s a tip: If you can slip the shoes on and off without untying the old, graying laces, you should find something else to trick people into thinking you’re not filthy. Also, you can buy a slick pair of shoes that don’t have laces at all — you’ll expend even less effort and you’ll look twice as complete as the jerk in the pink (Nantucket Red) polo who struggles with his top-siders every morning.

Of course, showering every day, not going to sleep with your hair soaked in Keystone, getting the occasional haircut and buying new shirts is much better form. You’ll feel better about yourself knowing that others can tolerate sitting next to you. But mostly, take one second to look at yourself in the mirror before you leave your room — you do have a mirror, don’t you? If you like what you see, chances are the people who matter (girls) will like it too. There’s no reason for us to be image-conscious drones, but there’s no reason to look like slobs, either. Learn something about your attire. And besides, it’s very, very embarrassing to call your roommate to have him tie your necktie for you. It’s a shame no man should suffer.

Noah Hy Brozinsky is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at nbrozinsky@cornellsun.com. Walk Emily Home appears alternate Wednesdays.