Stephen, Are You My Soulmate?

I feel really disillusioned that Stephen Colbert is a fictional character — that he plays a person named Stephen Colbert on TV, which is different from the private Stephen Colbert … Oh, don’t we all create fictions of ourselves, tra-la-la … The difference is that he has made a substantial amount of money doing it. Bravo, Stephen!

Even though he was a little shorter than I had expected, I truly think that Stephen and I are perfect for each other. We have sooo much in common. First of all, we both know the pressures of being a mega celebrity. Secondly, we both have to deal with the fact that people mistake our public persona for our true selves. Finally, we both experimented with our sexuality in college, feel neglected for not being invited to a secret society (damn you Quill and Dagger!) and have a 75 percent chance of being Jewish.

Despite the fact that I desperately want to be Stephen’s love-slave for eternity, I was vaguely disappointed in his performance at Barton Hall this past Friday. I really enjoyed his show, but felt disheartened when I discovered that he isn’t, after all, such a raging prick in real life. He seemed — God forbid — rather down to earth.

For those of you who did not attend Colbert’s show at Barton Hall, you can continue to believe that he is an impenetrable mass of ego. As it turns out, the “real” Colbert believes that our generation is a big mess: a sloppy, uninspired, apathetic, globule of inactivity. Sadly, I believe he’s correct. I’m not sure why, exactly, we youngins aren’t up in arms protesting weekly about, hmmm … let’s say, The Patriot Act?

I’m not a political columnist, so I won’t belabor this point, but I want to let y’all know that, as of this moment, I am founding the We-Won’t-Disappoint-Colbert-Club-2007. This club will be dedicated to living up to Colbert’s expectations of political activism. If you want to join, contact me. Or, if anyone knows of on-campus groups that are actually getting out there and spreading, as Stephen may call it, “the word,” would you be a pal, and let me know? Thanks.

Another issue Colbert addressed was how our generation is the most spoiled in history. I mean doesn’t the former generation always say that of the latter? For example, the Great Generation was not particularly impressed with the Baby Boomers, but maybe I got that all wrong. At the same time, I think Stephen has a point. We are pretty damn coddled — we have the poor to fight our wars and third world countries to make products affordable. But really, imperialism is nothing new, and it was, after all, the prior generation that fixed up this crazy thing called neoliberalism, no?

Plus Colbert griped about the strange disconnect that technology has instated. A huge problem is that so much information and communication is mediated through electronic contraptions that we aren’t equipped with the tools to process the “real world.” And as Colbert warned us, the real world is just beyond that graduation platform, waiting with a massive club to knock us on our asses.

Also, I just want to remark on how incredibly embarrassed I am for the student body of Cornell for the LAME questions that people asked Colbert after the show. WTF, mate! I mean, if you are going to get up and speak in front of thousands of your peers to one of the wittiest and most intelligent celebrity figures in America, wouldn’t you think for a moment before you spoke?!? The people who deigned to ask Colbert questions seemed to lack an ounce of self-awareness and ability to gage the probability of public humiliation.

The first grad student who approached the microphone tried to psychoanalyze Colbert. I think this guy was trying to be funny, but it backfired. That guy should go back to his mug of Earl Grey and battered copy of Lacan. Then there was a bogus kid who was trying to get his book signed, only not I Am America, but rather Fight Club. I mean, that would be like asking Judith Butler to sign a cookbook: it has absolutely no relevance. The final question came from an MBA student dressed as a pimp who asked Colbert for a job. Come on, Johnson School, you can do better than that! In general there was a lot of stuttering and sweating, which I can understand. I would stutter and sweat in the presence of so much greatness.

Still, I think Cornell should institute a mandatory public speaking course, wherein students would learn to be orally articulate in public settings, or at the very least, acquire a certain wherewithal that would enable them/us to judge when not to speak. Not that I want to silence my fellow students, but honestly one should never speak just for the sake of being heard. Anyway, I didn’t dare ask Stephen a question, because the only query that came to mind was: Stephen, can I buy you a drink and/or be your love-slave for eternity?

Claire Readhead is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be contacted at creadhead@cornellsun.com [1]. Silk Blue Stockings appears alternate Mondays.