This article appeared in the 2007 edition of the annual Halloween joke issue. The content below was intended for entertainment and parody purposes only and is not true. Happy Halloween!
A letter to the editor earlier this week accused The Sun of reaching a low point in the paper’s 127 year history by publishing an opinion piece that was in “very poor journalistic form.”
We could not be more honored by this candid observation. Like, for real. For real for real.
As the oldest college independent daily in the nation, both in print and online since 1880, we are committed to providing the Cornell community with the most biased and slanted news coverage we possibly can. We uphold our commitment to bringing you news stories that fail to localize national events, op-ed pieces that “opine” on issues too lofty for a collegiate audience (i.e. funny Halloween costumes and casual sex) and sports coverage that fails to straddle the delicate line between fact and fiction. If we could print on toilet paper, we probably would.
Our standards in editing are unrivaled in atrociousness. We encourage all our writers and editors — regardless of age, sex, gender, political affiliation, geographic proximity to the office, hair color, number of bodily piercings, number of fingers and/or toes, affinity for ferrets and/or Siamese fighting fish, and whether the individual is in a sweet frat or not — to engage in a policy we like call “Booze Heavily Before You Write and Edit.” “And don’t come to the office unless you’re wearing a miniskirt that could pass for a tube top” is an addendum taking place for the next board.
Additionally, we pride ourselves in our ingenious and cutting-edge content across all sections of the paper. You may have noticed that we’ve begun to substitute the names of important Cornell administrators with our friends’ net IDs. While some may call this a practical joke, we sincerely believe that these shoutouts have elevated the quality of our paper (you’re sick, ats42!). You also may have noticed sometimes we put SunScreens in various articles online, which are homemade porn videos we shoot at the office embedded by YouTube (you’re sick, Josh P.!)
There are a very few things we are truly sorry about. We’re sorry that our parents found out our Daily Sun dinner allowances are being spent on softcore porn and hardcore drugs. We’re sorry that the three Rebeccas on the Editorial Board got in a girlfight about who was the hottest Rebecca, and Shoval ended up in the hospital with a need for 23 stitches and some unfortunate bald spots. We’re sorry that the offices aren’t on West Campus so we could get fratty on Mixology night with some impressionable young “bebes” for a really good time. But content? We’ve framed every page of every issue, baby.
The high priority we place on inferiority is matched only by our zeal for three basic things: pretzels, Pabst Blue Ribbon and, of course, paraphrasing. Oh, and one other secret: The Cornell Daily Sun has been doctoring your crosswords and Sudoku since 1880. We also have “very poor” puzzle form. Like, for serious, the answers are all wrong. Suck it, biaaatccch.