Writing a conservative column is an art, and like any art, it takes talent. Despite what you may assume, however, the ability to write a conservative column is not a genetic trait that one simply does or doesn’t possess; you too can learn to write a conservative column. In fact, consider it your civic duty. Just follow the pointers below.
One note before we commence. In the same vein of my last column, which dealt with media coverage of Iran, this column is about framing and language. It is not about the substance of conservative thought, nor do I mean to imply that these characteristics are endemic to all conservative journalism. I write this to highlight some trends I’ve noticed among the less creative, conservative columns I’ve read over the past three and a half years. Obviously, writers of all ideological persuasions can fall prey to the traps of anti-objectiveness. My hope is that the following will say something to journalists and readers alike about framing, style and the importance of critical media attention.
Tips for a Conservative Column:
Choose your conclusions before your reasoning. For this, you might have to do some soul searching. What emotions lie deep within you that you’d really like to rationalize? What characteristic of yourself would you most like to promote at the expense of others who don’t look or behave like you? Religion, nation of origin, sexual orientation … the realm of possibility is limitless. This works well with discussions of American culture. Don’t like the idea that America is at risk of fracturing into a “multicultural” society with strands of other languages and ethnic traditions? Argue it! Don’t be constrained by those who would point to documents such as the Declaration of Independence as deceptive “evidence” that America is premised on Lockean principles. If the existing body of theory and logic suggests that a nation’s culture evolves in accordance with its consenting citizenry, and not the other way around, then to hell with the existing body of theory and logic! The same goes for gay marriage: can’t find anything in Western thought that would justify the state defining marriage? Don’t worry about it — a study from the University of Virginia School of Law finds that the vast majority of Americans make political decisions based on emotional predispositions, not logic. As long as your audience is primarily people you know will agree with you, solid logic won’t really even matter in the first place. People who read newspapers aren’t looking for constructive debate anyway, only justifications for the views they already hold.
Encase your argument in an aura of victimization. I can’t stress this enough — really just lay it on. Your goal here is to make the readers feel like they’ve fallen into the debate at the half way point, just after you’ve been brutally and unfairly accosted by the hegemonic, liberal powers that be. Make sure people know that between the twin, monumental tasks of having to justify your conservative ideas to yourself and to your peers, against the constant barrage of “enlightened academic discourse,” it’s a tough life for conservative kids. If you can locate yourself on the defensive, it lends you moral highground, and the reader is more predisposed to look kindly upon your argument. Maybe you’ll even attract some much deserved sympathy for having to survive day to day amongst the ungodly, sodomizing masses. One caveat here: don’t try this after you graduate from college or you’ll look as ridiculous as David Horowitz.
Re-center the ideological spectrum so that you’re in the middle. This can be tougher because it necessitates some real subtlety if you’re going to be convincing. Practice it out loud in the shower a couple times though, and it’ll soon be second nature. After categorizing the Cheney foreign policy doctrine as activist and referring to Mitt Romney as a moral relativist, you’ll have people thinking everyone to the left of Hoover is a ranting Marxist. Voilá … your position suddenly becomes mainstream. If you pull this off really well, you’ll still even be able to hang out with other college kids.
Strategically stress and ignore history. Highlight the fact that nearly all of America’s founders were Christian, but leave out the part about how they were extremely suspicious of religion creeping into the public sphere. Appeal to the historical integrity of our immigration laws by discussing how there were far fewer people crossing our borders illegally 20 years ago. Don’t bring up the fact that immigration from Mexico wasn’t regulated until 1929, meaning that the category of illegal Latino immigrant is a 20th century construct popularized by momentary economic condition (originally the Great Depression). You also probably won’t want to mention that the government’s eventual decision to start enforcing our border laws only grew our population of illegal immigrants by turning seasonal Mexican workers into permanent residents. In 1955, the first issue of The National Review articulated the proper role of the modern conservative as one who “stands athwart history, yelling ‘Stop.’” Still a core tenant of the conservative movement, maintaining the image that history is indeed on the side of conservatives is of central importance.
Invent your own language. I mean, clearly you should write in English (we are Americans, are we not?). Still, that doesn’t mean your column should be mired in the kind of language that legitimizes liberal assumptions. For starters, instead of bemoaning problems with “the government,” get rid of the article. Levying criticisms on “government” instead enables you to root problems in the basic premise of governance itself, not simply the imperfect version of such that plagues the U.S. Instead of talking about “illegal immigrants,” just call them “illegals,” ascribing the legal problem to the core of personhood instead of merely the condition of one’s immigration. And of course, refer to a congressman as the “Democrat” representative from Arizona instead of the “Democratic” one. The word Democratic sounds too, well, positive.
Now, go forth and make Strom Thurmond proud.
Tim Krueger is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at tkrueger@cornellsun.com. Educating Your Guesses appears alternate Thursdays.