The Cornellian Bed Bug Movement has staged a six-armed takeover of Daily Sun headquarters at 139 W. State Street in an attempt to control the favorability of the media coverage of the Movement’s recent invasions of the Jameson and High Rise 5 dormitories on North Campus. The Sun’s editors are barricaded in the basement, and the Movement reassures the public that it is making every effort to ensure the health and safety of the hostages. Due to the takeover, the following editorial was written by the members of the Cornellian Bed Bug Movement.
We are bed bugs. We suck peoples’ blood. How the hell can you spin that? You can’t. Or so we thought. Which is why we’d like to congratulate the Cornell PR machine on its continuing demonstration of mental gymnastics fit to boggle Stephen Hawking.
According to Joe Burke, the director of campus life at Cornell, we are OK because our presence isn’t necessarily indicative of unsanitary conditions. “Bed bugs,” he told The Sun, “don’t discriminate who they choose to come into contact with.”
That’s right, kids. Open hearts, open minds and open arteries. We’re here, we suck like Hoovers, and we’re comin’ to getcha.
Our editor hostages tell us that as warm-blooded animals themselves (well, most of them, anyway), they’re not too fond of our feeding habits. And they don’t even give us credit for being PC! Not that we deserve it.
We are some of the most loathsome creatures on the face of the earth. Proof? That bite you’ve got is an allergic reaction to our saliva. It’s not enough for us to bite you, we have to do a little throw up in our mouth action every time.
Really, folks, we disgust ourselves. If you call us names, we’ll probably hiss, try to do something menacing with our slender, atrophied antennae, and then scuttle meekly away.
So where we’re going with this is that we are as disturbed as the editors are that Cornell hasn’t done enough to kick us out of the freshman dorms. If the administration thinks we aren’t so bad, we’d be happy to show them otherwise. Sunday nights are a little rowdy down at The Sun, and our drunchies are just starting to kick in. And after all, who needs a PMP when you can suck some blood?