We’re kvelling like Boca Raton bubbes down at the Bat Cave this week. It turns out that one of the HEROES of NBC’s resurrected American Gladiators series went to Cornell, proving once again that Cornell is the only Ivy that offers a practical, real-world education.
According to our most favoritest informants, the HEROIC revival of the awesomely cheesy American Gladiators features HEROIC Real Live Alumna Jaime Reed ’01 kicking ass and taking names as the be-scrunchied gladiatrix, “Fury.”
The Gladiators, incidentally, are a clear sign that the ’80s are the number one decade for dancing around in your underwear. Risky Business, anyone? Reed’s scrunchie in particular, and the show’s revival in general, make us hope that the ’80s have, at long last, jumped the shark, paving the way — in our darkest fantasies — for the HEROIC return of Power Rangers, Oval Office oral, and flannel.
This week saw a slew of HEROES who, like the gladiators, fought VILLAINS in the defense of truth, justice and buns of steel.
Shoutout to the HEROIC workers of Cornell's UAW Local 2300 who cook our food and clean our bathrooms, in their HEROIC battle for a living wage.
Also, big ups to the Holy Wegmans Empire's HEROIC decision to flip the bird to VILLAINOUS Big Tobacco by banning cigarettes, dip and other tobacco products in all of its stores.
And oh hey, we’re gonna slap a big fat VILLAINOUS on Prof. Ron Seeber, industrial and labor relations — not so much for his decision to appear on A Daily Show in the middle of the television writers’ strike as for his HEROICALLY VILLAINOUS claim that he never crossed a picket line because he went around it. Sure, buddy. We feel you.
Speaking of spin doctors, Cornell’s VILLAINOUS press-wrangling machine is up against the wall in a HEROICALLY meta libel lawsuit that an alumnus filed against the VILLAINOUS Cornell Chronicle, the eternal respite of hacks, shills and disgruntled Ithaca Journal employees.
In a similar vein, the VILLAINOUS stinkers at the Student Assembly pulled their big switcheroo last night, installing a new Dopey President Guy to replace the old one, who was forced to resign due to a severe case of VILLAIN-itis. We’d explain, but we’re already wasting ink on these schnooks.
Here at the Bat Cave, we just couldn’t be more excited to swap the VILLAINOUS ’80s for the infinitely more HEROIC ’90s. We know it’s a long shot, but we can wait. We’re sure it’s only a matter of time until those ’90s parties get started along with the attendant revivals of Ren & Stimpy and Legends of the Hidden Temple. Until then, we’ll be here in our office, caressing our piece of the Aggro-Crag and dancing in our skivvies with Will Smith, Smash Mouth, and the sweet, sweet sounds of some vintage BSB. With the shades drawn, of course. Just think how embarrassing it would be if somebody found out.