I know that my job is to write a sports column (among other things) but like most college students/Americans, in general, I just can’t ignore all the presidential hullabaloo. So, like a good little fledgling citizen, I’ve been mulling over the issues, comparing and contrasting the candidates. With so much time to consider the “issues” until my very first voting experience (scrapbook, here I come), I decided two things: One, arguing about the issues is like talking about Barry Bonds…we all already know our opinions and two, there was definitely a better method of deciding who was “cool” in elementary school and it went by the name of kickball.
During recess and after school, kids’ reputations were glorified or obliterated by picking kickball teams. If you got picked first you were a god of the playground. But if you were the unlucky tyke who the captains tried to politely pawn off to each other, you were either a particularly unathletic girl or well, in all likelihood you had two left feet and a personality to match. I know, there is no democracy (or even human decency) in kickball, but just for a moment forget about who supports what. Consider instead which candidates you would pick for your team if you suddenly found yourself on a worn out baseball diamond standing before a line of presidential hopefuls in their gym shorts.
Unlike picking a president, picking a kickball team is about making flash judgments. With a range of semi to completely over the hill specimens anxiously awaiting my verdict, sometimes its hard to discern whether John McCain or Ron Paul would make a better designated kicker. I mean both are definitely on the crotchety side of the spectrum but you have to take into account that McCain was a POW and is probably tough as nails. Whether or not he can still hack it, the guy does have some physical credibility so it would be an oversight to cast him asunder.
Paul, on the other hand, is a professional gyno. Even though that is a very admirable and extremely, er, challenging profession, I’m sorry to say that understanding the female anatomy and delivering “over 4,000 babies” carries no weight in kickball. However, if Hillary Clinton happens to sustain an unfortunate kickball injury, he might be useful to have around. Unfortunately for Senator Clinton, “Billary” isn’t eligible for my roster which certainly lowers her player value. Who can compete with a power player that combines feminism and misogyny all in one potential kickball super star?
Although John Edwards has dropped out of the presidential race, he’s still in pursuit of a spot on my prestigious team largely because of his spectacularly lush head of hair. Battling stiff competition from the miracle marathon man, Mike Huckabee and the ever eloquent Barack Obama, perhaps a quitting attitude isn’t the most desirable quality in a kickballer. Still, Huckabee, who has gained a lot of notoriety outside his campaign for losing 110 pounds (the equivalent of another human being) and running lots of marathons, has diabetes and unless there is a bag of orange slice mouth guards readily available, he may not be so dependable in the heat of competition. Plus, let’s be real, the sick kid doesn’t get picked first. It’s just against evolution and coincidentally so is Huckabee.
As the youngest of the bunch, Obama certainly appears to be the most promising and well-spoken prospect in the line-up. With such a penchant for a punch line, he could very well be the Ryan Howard of politics. It seems to follow, at least in my mind, that with youth and charisma on his side he could become kickball’s most beloved rookie.
Bearing this careful analysis in mind, without further ado, I present to you my “Freedom Fighter” presidential kickball team in order of selection.
1. Barack Obama – Youthful and clearly in great physical shape, Obama embodies the essence of every kickball captains’ first choice player.
2. Mike Huckabee – Despite his bout with Type II Diabetes, Huckabee lost 110 pounds and he runs marathons. Even if he can’t kick, he can run all day long. We’ll just be sure to have plenty of sugar in the dugout.
3. Hillary Rodham Clinton – Regardless of Bill, Hillary is one relentless lady and I’ll take a little unstoppable determination on my team any day no matter how many boos the drunken Neanderthal fans give her.
4. John McCain – I don’t care how old he is (he’s real old). McCain was a prisoner of war. Period.
5. John Edwards – Now that he’s withdrawn from the presidential race, he’ll have more time to commit to the team.
6. Ron Paul – Ummmm, maybe he can be the team mascot or something. No amount of ob/gyn experience will help him if he has a heart attack trying to kick the ball past the pitcher’s mound. Better luck next year, old-timer.