I want a president who is bold, principled and easy on the eyes. When you consider the options, one person visibly stands out. The only candidate who offers all of these things and more is the straight talkin’ maverick from Arizona, John Sidney McCain III.
Although he graduated fifth from the bottom of his class at Annapolis — where he is remembered as “positively one of the weakest students to pass our way” by one instructor — McCain went on to become a vetted war hero for his service in Vietnam. What really sets this guy apart, though, are the five years he endured as a prisoner of war. Although five years of consistent torture and abuse would turn the average man into a brainsick nut job (note that two of the years were spent in solitary confinement), John McCain is not the average man. Even when he was teetering on the edge of death and forced to give the names of his squadron members, he audaciously supplied the names of the Green Bay Packers’ offensive line. What a guy. He might not be psychologically fit for operating a crane or caring for small children, but his valiant stint as a POW makes him more than fit to be president in my eyes.
I applaud any man who isn’t afraid to give you a dose of the straight talk express whenever he feels like it. One of my favorite McCain quotes is from a joke he made in 1998: “Why is Chelsea Clinton so ugly? Because her father is Janet Reno.” The guy is honest and a riot. Regarded as one of the biggest hotheads in Congress, John McCain is never afraid to call people out on their shit, no matter how insensitive it might sound. Anyone who calls Leonardo DiCaprio “an androgynous wimp” is OK in my book.
John McCain constantly proves that it takes a maverick to stand up for what you really believe. He supported the troop surge when it was unpopular, and now Iraq is experiencing record lows of violence, and is on its way to peace. John is not afraid to stand up to his Republican friends either, which he has made clear by not associating with lobbyists or special interest groups (although recently he did take special interest in one particular lobbyist). John McCain also refuses to compromise his religious principles, maintaining strong pro-life and anti-gay marriage stances, as well as a firm belief in Creationism and the teaching of it in schools. A good president is compromising, but not when it comes to his Christian values.
McCain’s age also makes him the ideal candidate. First woman or first black man? No thanks. Oldest man in presidential history? Yes, please. There’s gender and racial discrimination in this country, but do not forget that there is also rampant geriatric discrimination. Electing a shrewd 71-year-old man who possesses over half a century of experience would send a resounding message to the elderly community around the world, boldly declaring “Yes we can!” His age is only aided by his unbelievable good looks. I know he has that horrendous face goiter on his jaw, but I don’t even notice it as I get lost in his ethereal porcelain skin and stately silver locks. Standing at 5’7’’, he’s also the same height as Tom Cruise, which makes him a hunky heartthrob by association. The possibility of John McCain putting out a steamy calendar as president is reason enough to vote for him.
Don’t forget that we’re not just electing a president in November; we’re also choosing a First Lady. Why pick Bill (perv) or Michelle (yawn) when there’s Cindy (buxom bombshell)? Cindy McCain is everything I envision my First Lady to be: a former beauty queen, the heiress of a beer company fortune and an ex-narcotics abuser. Being a rodeo queen in Arizona means default sexiness, and having a millionaire father who owns one of the largest Anheuser-Busch distributors in the world means fabulous beer-catered White House galas. Her addiction to Percocet and Vicodin, which she attributes to stress from her and John’s involvement in a major political scandal during the ’90s, even led Cindy to steal her treasured painkillers from the non-profit medical organization she founded. She has since recovered after, and this should be no surprise, John compassionately staged an intervention. Cindy is scandalous and edgy, just like any desirable First Lady should be.
Besides marrying Cindy, a stunning woman 18 years his junior (high five, Mac), John McCain has also shown presidential qualities in other aspects of his personal life. All good presidents are players who cheat on their wives — Jefferson, JFK, Bill, etc. After his college years of partying (during which he drove a Corvette and dated an exotic dancer named “Marie the Flame of Florida”), John settled down and married his first wife, Carol Shepp, in 1965. Carol was a model from Philadelphia who knew John from Annapolis, and who had already married and divorced one of his classmates. Upon returning from Vietnam, however, John was greeted by a different woman. It was still Carol, but she was four inches shorter, on crutches, and substantially heavier as the result of a car accident. A few years later, John began an extramarital affair with Cindy after meeting her at a conference in Hawaii. After the affair hit the one year mark, John did what any respectable man would do for his mistress, and filed for divorce from Carol. John was, and still is, a player, but he’s a player with a heart.
His personal character is further strengthened by his seven beautifully diverse children. John and Carol adopted two sons and gave birth to a daughter named Sidney, after her father. Cindy birthed three McCains (one of which is fortunate enough to bare the name John Sidney McCain IV). As if two adopted children weren’t quite selfless enough, John courageously adopted a little girl with a cleft palate from a Bangladeshi orphanage run by Mother Teresa. Forget Madonna and Angelina, John McCain was the trailblazer who first diversified his family with foreign children. John McCain is a trendsetter with a fashion-forward eye, and that’s exactly what I demand from my president.
John McCain is the full package. He has the life experiences, character and personal values that distinguish him as the most formidable presidential candidate on either side of the race. If you want valuable experience, captivating charm and studly good looks, vote for the maverick in the race.
John-David Brown is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at jdbrown@cornellsun.com. Country Club Cockfight usually appears alternate Thursdays.