'Why I Think Cornell Is Awesome'

I love The Cornell Chronicle. Nothing screams journalism quite like the University Propaganda Machine that is The Chronicle. Sure, it’s half weekly tabloid, half corporate memo. But the wonderful folks hired by Cornell to report on Cornell somehow manage to pack words of congratulation into each and every sentence appearing on their thick, white, high-cost paper. I think The Sun could learn a lot by trying to be more like The Chronicle. And so, in an effort to begin this learning process, I’ve decided to spend the next 800 words explaining why I think Cornell is awesome.

First of all, nothing is closer to the heart of Cornell’s awesomeness than its Big Red class sizes.

There’s something magical that happens when 300-plus eggheads are herded into hallowed halls like Baker 200 or Uris Auditorium. I call this magical happenstance dwarfius intelligentius: when an overachiever’s obnoxious, self-answering question is quelled by the sheer size of the lecture crowd. I could ask a rhetorical question demonstrating my mastery of the Krebs cycle, but I fear crowds like no other. Thus, Cornell has done what no other Ivy could: conquer the pre-med. And to answer your unasked question, yes, you will be tested on why VSEPR fails to predict oxygen’s spin properties.

Of course, we cannot discuss large class sizes without mentioning the infamous Psych 101, with sermons by Professor James Maas. Maas is Cornell’s official Psych 101 guru, Oprah guest star, and future discoverer of the cure to cancer (I’ll give you a hint: it involves sleeping more). Over 1,100 students gather in Bailey Hall each year in search of the much-coveted (and easily attainable) A+. Some may complain that the large class size could possibly prohibit free discussion and proper treatment of the psychology curriculum. To these critics, I would like to point out that the massive class size would only be a problem IF it meant the instructor replaced essays and group discussion with 200 oft-repeated multiple choice questions.

Now some folks have insinuated that the T.A. hiring practices for Psych 101 are a bit … flawed. In particular, critics point to the abnormally high percentage of blonde females. To dispel these rumors, I decided to perform some careful statistical analysis of TA headshots on psych101.net, the official course website. Of the 33 undergraduate TAs, a mere 28 were female (84 percent) and of those females, only 12 were blonde (42 percent). Obviously, this has absolutely no statistical significance. None whatsoever.

So we know Cornell is big. And let’s face it, in order to be a top-notch Ivy, it’s “go big, or go to Brown.” Brown is ranked lower than Cornell, by the way. If you don’t believe me, you can check for yourself. Did you check yet? Just wanted to make sure.

But what else makes Cornell so awesome? I believe it is our elitism. Some claim we are, in fact, not elite. These nay-sayers are quick to point out Cornell’s location in Ithaca, or its academic motto of “Any Person … Any Study”, or even the community-oriented research (solving that Chinese pet food scare … yeah, that was us). Nevertheless, I can calmly assure you Cornell is elitist: we have an entire college dedicate to the art of serving wealthy vacationers. Cornell is even building a teaching winery. Yet sadly, I must report that our acceptance rate is nearly three times that of Harvard. I say it’s all for the best. While most schools strive to be “elite, not elitist”, Cornell proudly bucks this trend by being elitist, not elite. But I’m a “glass half full” kind of guy. Brown has a lower acceptance rate, and they still rank lower than us. Did you check that yet?

The final topic I wish to discuss on our Tour de Force of Cornell’s academic prowess is the topic of diversity. Cornell has found the perfect balance between being a diverse institution and not being a diverse institution. It can boast wonderful diversity statistics by accepting all walks of life, but then avoid all that messy business of intellectual cross-pollination by segregating its population into homogenous subcultures. The tactics for doing so include Greek Life, non-intersecting academic tracks, and program housing. All these little isolated units make for the perfect learning environment for young, impressionable college students. How could the Econ department properly indoctrinate a major into the cult of the free market if the future gazillionaires needed to interact with a poor, urban minority student? How could a Classics major truly enjoy an exclusively western education if her roommate spoke fluent Korean?

Cornell must continue this proud tradition of self-segregation by supporting the new Asian/Asian-American Community Center and fighting for the survival of the cultural living centers like Ujamaa and the LLC. Like astronomical phenomena and Impressionist paintings, other cultures are best observed from a distance. Furthermore, I propose the creation of a “Greeks-Only” dining hall, since Trillium is getting way too crowded these days.

However, Cornell still has much room for improvement. The first step is making campus as “picturesque” as New Haven, and as “family friendly” as Morningside Heights. Academic programs need to be a bit more diverse, like those of CalTech and MIT. Also, we need a much larger focus on physical science research, like Brown and Dartmouth, even though Brown’s ranking is lower than ours.

Munier Salem is an assistant design editor at The Sun and a sophomore in the College of Engineering. He can be contacted at msalem@cornellsun.com [1]. Critical Mass first appeared this semester.