This semester I’ve written a lot about my desire to find a hunky wealthy husband who can jumpstart my path to fame and power. So for my last column, I want to give everyone a little advice about some of the things I think we should all try to accomplish this summer to achieve these goals. For those who are graduating, you basically missed your chance — good riddance. But for those who still have a chance to make something of themselves before returning to campus, take good notes.

My first piece of advice is pretty obvious: find yourself a good-looking mate who is moneyed, well-connected, and/or extremely famous and brilliant. This is obviously harder than it sounds, or else I’d already be dangling on the arm of a senator or drinking martinis in the Skull and Bones tomb. First, you should try as hard as you can to be in a big city this summer — preferably New York. I suggest stalking the men who lunch in the Financial District or going to lounges in SoHo. Once you find your prey, develop an elaborate plan to get him to propose before summer ends. If this doesn’t seem like a possibility by mid July, your only options are: 1. Get him drunk or roofied and elope without a pre-nup, or 2. Get yourself pregnant. If you’re gay, pursue option 1 while at his house in Cape Cod or Martha’s, or trick him into signing adoption papers. After you get married, immediately consummate the marriage as soon as he’s sober or out of his roofie-induced haze, as this can be grounds a legal nullification of the contract or even rape. If you are incapable of winning a marriage or child, your best bet is to enjoy the ride and get as much swag as you possibly can. As summer comes to an end, I suggest stealing things like credit card numbers and anything you can pawn, like expensive suits and jewelry.

For gays, another promising place to succeed is Washington, D.C., which has a booming homo population of savvy professionals and well-connected closet cases in politics. If you are lucky enough to find a congressman (preferably a senator) right from the get go, start extensive documentation of the affair immediately. This includes video tapes (on your cell phone or otherwise), saving voice mails and text messages, stealing personal items, and accumulating as many reliable witnesses as you can. If you aren’t able to find one right away, I suggest either asking gay staffers for insider tips, or enrolling in a high-end call boy service that is known to be senator-friendly. Also be aware that if you find one who’s new to the gay scene, you’ve struck gold. Being the flavor of the week for some long-time boy lover is risky because they are likely aware of our tricks, and might already have a sophisticated method for keeping you quiet — though hopefully this could mean monthly checks and unlimited use of their free travel benefits. If you get a newbie though, they are more likely to make the mistake of a second rendezvous or better, to buckle under your threats of extortion and blackmail. I know that almost all of you are over 18, but it goes without saying that if you are illegal fodder and are able to get with anyone in politics who is remotely famous and wealthy, you are in the best position to effectively obtain your riches by threats and coercion.

A city that is good for both women and gays is Los Angeles, where wealthy men, gay and straight, are rampant, out of control, and desperately slutty. One of the biggest roadblocks on your path to success in LA is that it takes money to find money. Everything is ridiculously expensive and discouragingly exclusive — but don’t give up yet. The city is full of high powered business execs looking for some demoralizing fun and closeted celebrities whose fear of bad publicity makes them prime targets for our predatory con techniques. First, it is critical that you need to be on top of your physical game. This means tanning daily, working out until the gym closes, and hopefully developing an eating disorder than can save you both money and undesirable body mass. Once you look hot, start making the connections you’ll need to get into Hyde, Element, or the Cabana Club. Your connections don’t have to be particularly famous — just wealthy and club savvy. Another way to get in the know is to start doing drugs with wealthy people — coke if possible, since it equates to wealth and status. LA is the city of short-lived marriages where pre-nups are defaults, so your time is probably best spent enjoying the decadent lifestyle, constantly trying to get more connections with famous people who you can use in the future, or, if you can, getting pregnant.

I’m going to be playing this game in New York this summer, and you should be too. If you follow my tips — plan, prey, and victimize — you will undoubtedly be able to get all the good things that life has to offer. If you don’t take my advice, just remember that while you’re interning at some i-bank or non-profit, I’ll be gaily sucking the teat of high society.

John-David Brown is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at jdbrown@cornellsun.com. Country Club Cockfight appeared alternate Thursdays this semester.