That’s right, I am happy to announce that I will be turning in my alternative lifestyle for something more mainstream: heterosexuality. After spending two long years out of the closet, I have decided to go back to being straight. Transitioning to my original state of nature isn’t going to be easy, and there are definitely things that I will miss about these fabulous two years, but being gay is simply not doing it for me.
Sure, there are the obvious problems with being gay — AIDS, homophobia, being unqualified to donate blood – but there are other more important issues that have solidified my conviction to change. I’m tired of men who wear makeup, I despise our tyranny over the word fabulous, and I think that our cruel domination of the fashion and interior design industries is blatantly unfair. I’m also sick of being associated with the likes of Lindsay and SamRo or Ellen and Portia, or any lesbians for that matter, EWW! (… I mean SWEET! I guess that’s something I’m still working on).
I’ve also considered the many expenses that come with the intense pressures facing gays when it comes to maintaining our flawless appearances: gym memberships, waxing, tanning (at prices up to $20 per session in NYC!), high-end skin and hair products, body glitter, etc. As a hetero, I will probably still need the gym membership, but at least I will be able to afford it with all of the money I expect to save from buying Keystone Light instead of cosmos and lemon drops.
Being gay has turned me into what most people consider a bad person. I can’t go to heaven, I can’t become a Congressman, I’m shallow as hell, and I’m a constant cock block. St. Peter would reject my limp-wristed handshake, but I will soon be able to bro-five Pete as I walk tall and manly through those pearly gates. As for my Congressional future, I guess I’ll always have these gay years marring my record, but I’m just going to brand it as “experimenting during college.” I’m not sure if being straight will make me any less shallow, but I do know that instead of cock-blocking my lady friends, I’ll be trying to sleep with them instead.
As much as I’m looking forward to my exciting return to the straight world, there are certain things about being gay that I will have trouble giving up. I’m going to have to throw away treasured items such as my murse, my pink-spiraled Zac Efron notebook, and the boxes of Crest whitening strips I keep stocked in my bathroom. I will no longer be able to express concern for Britney’s well-being or wear my colorful variety of American Apparel briefs. I’ll miss the flashy gay clubs brimming with drag queens and trannies, where raging male libidos always guarantee a warm body to wake up next to. The thing I will miss most about being gay, however, is my status as a minority. I won’t qualify for affirmative action into law school, I won’t be able to get away with doing and saying unacceptable things, and I will lose my only ticket out of the army. These things I can do without, however, and I am ready to give them up.
I won’t lie and say that I’m not going to miss the furious sex drives that we gay men share, but I’m ready for a relationship with someone who treats me like the gentleman I am. I have no statistics that prove straight women are more chivalrous than gays, but a cursory glance at the personals on Craigslist gives me hope. The ladies in w4m are looking for “people who do not take themselves seriously” or “a Christian man, preferably tall, so I can wear my heels.” The guys in m4m, however, are “seeking tops, avg to hung, to stop by, dump a load and go. 18+ - str8 acting - discreet but horney! Non-smoker preferred! Be prepared to provide full stats and at least a chest or torso shot! I am chubby so you need to be ok with that.” Sorry “horney CU grad,” but I’m a smoker and I don’t have any recent chest or torso shots. I look forward to the subtle courting and gentle embrace of a woman who respects me as a person and who will let me stay and cuddle after I “dump my load.”
From this day forward, I vow to live a long and healthy life as a beer-guzzling, lesbian porn-watching, grandbaby-producing straight man. Step aside fellas, there’s a new heterosexual in these parts: John-David is here, and he’s no longer queer!
John-David is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at jbrown@cornellsun.com [1]. Country Club Cockfight appears alternate Fridays this semester.
Links:
[1] mailto:jbrown@cornellsun.com