The Doggie-Style Lover

Male, Senior, 21, ILR

Welcome to Cornell Diaries, where we print the anonymous recorded lives of Cornell students. Every week, a new anonymous diary will be printed. While The Sun maintains the confidentiality of each writer, all facts have been verified and all diaries record the true, unedited lives of different Cornell students.

Friday, October 24

2:30 p.m. I return home from class to find my nude girlfriend in my bed waiting for me. I mentally thank myself for making her a copy of the keys.

2:35 p.m. My clothes are off; lots of sex ensues.

2:50 p.m. I think she faked an orgasm. Most of my friends say that they can tell; I am completely clueless. I hope it was real.

3:15 p.m. Both of us hop in my tiny shower. Soap her up. Her tits look great when they’re wet. It’s like cable porn, only better because it’s real. And I get to touch them.

3:18 p.m. Sex in the shower. Almost slip a few times.

3:25 p.m. Pretty sure she comes. Pretty sure I’m waterlogged.

3:35 p.m. Towel off, throw on sweats, nap on couch.

4:00 p.m. My girlfriend wakes me up with the sound of her hair dryer. I throw a remote control at her and she stops. Back to sleep.

5:15 p.m. Wake up. PS3 for a while.

5:30 p.m. Open a beer.

5:50 p.m. Another beer.

6:20 p.m. One more beer.

6:35 p.m. Roommate comes home; opens a beer. One more for me.

7:00 p.m. Girlfriend starts to bother me about dinner. I could care less; I’m not hungry. Little buzzed.

7:20 p.m. Girlfriend still nagging; still not hungry.

7:45 p.m. Still nagging. I finally agree to order dinner to shut her up. Thai food, because they deliver. Open another beer.

8:35 p.m. Food arrives, so girlfriend is happy. Finally. More beer for me, some vodka drink for her with the Svedka she keeps in the freezer.

8:50 p.m. Girlfriend moves onto her second vodka drink. Moving a little fast for such a tiny girl.

9:40 p.m. A few friends arrive with a case of Heineken and a bottle of Maker’s Mark. In for a good night.

11:30 p.m. Head to Dino’s with friends, girlfriend and one of girlfriend’s random friends. Girlfriend is about five drinks deep. A little worried about the state of her sobriety.

Saturday, October 25

12:30 a.m. Girlfriend is stumbling around like an idiot. I warned her not to wear such high heels. She looks like a hooker.

1:00 a.m. Last call. Finally tear girlfriend away from the bar. Lost track of how many drinks she’s had; even more worried than before, but mostly annoyed at her. Alcoholic.

1:15 a.m. Girlfriend is half naked on the floor of my bathroom.

1:16 a.m. Lots of vomit. Everywhere. It’s an odd shade of reddish orange. No idea what she was ordering at Dino’s. Hate her a little bit for throwing up all over my bathroom. My roommates probably hate her even more.

1:20 a.m. Try to keep her usually pretty blond hair out of the toilet. She swats me away nastily.

1:30 a.m. Head to bed. Girlfriend can fend for herself.

3:00 a.m. Girlfriend tries to crawl into bed. I tell her to sleep on the floor. I don’t want vomit on my sheets; I just had them cleaned.

11:00 a.m. Wake up. Pee and peel girlfriend off the bathroom floor. She looks like the stuff of nightmares, only worse.

11:15 a.m. Shower with hungover girlfriend. No sex this time.

11:35 a.m. Dried and dressed, I run up the street to Starbucks for a coffee and a latte for the girlfriend.

11:40 a.m. Lots and lots of hungover girls in spandex in line. Really, really long line.

12:05 p.m. Back to apartment with caffienated beverages.

12:15 p.m. Girlfriend is grateful for the latte. Immediately commences giving blow job. Good girl.

12:30 p.m. Blow job leads to sex. Lots of sex, doggie style. She keeps screaming, “I’m so sorry about last night. I am such a bad girl.” Definitely no fake orgasms this time. I forgive her for being a lush, for now at least.