It’s a cold, dark night here at H&V, where papers are made and dreams are broken. We feel pretty fratty this week, what with all the conversation about Greek life and drinking and brotherhood and sisterhood. We’d like to think we’ve formed a brotherhood of sorts down in our cave at H&V: We spend lots of time with each other, we help each other with homework and we argue about who gets the best chair at dinner. It’s a happy family.
In spite of all that, we were all pretty unhappy about the VILLAINOUS passage of Propostion 8 in California this election season. Last weekend saw scores of HEROIC Ithacans protest the ban on gay marriage by appealing to rational political thought. There were HEROIC speeches by HEROICALLY intelligent people that made us feel warm, fuzzy and angry inside, all at the same time. As with all events on and off this campus, we have no doubt the Greek community was involved.
The sometimes HEROIC, sometimes VILLAINOUS Ithaca Police Department held off on issuing ALWAYS VILLAINOUS noise violations in the midst of all the rallying, but make no mistake, the IPD is still out in force cracking down on fun. In point of fact, see our hero, the HEROIC traveling Christian evangelist James Deferio, who has taken Ithaca to court after receiving a noise violation on his travels. Deferio is claiming that Ithaca has violated his HEROIC right to free speech, a right which apparently protects volume as well as content. With any luck, Deferio will win his claim, and all Cornellians can make a HEROIC trek down to the Ithaca police station for a screamfest that is long overdue.
Speaking of law and stuff, did you know that New York Attorney General Andrew Cuomo has issued a HEROICALLY VILLAINOUS subpoena of Cornell’s health insurance records, or partnerships, or something. We have no doubt Cuomo will find that C.U. is secretly practicing the VILLAINOUS art of socialized medicine, which is the scourge of our society and the reason Obama is promoting all this socialism in general. Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Thankfully, here at Cornell, we have a HEROIC school that is in no way connected to the concept of socialism. It’s called The Johnson School of Management. And it was recently and HEROICALLY ranked 11th by BusinessWeek magazine. This is a good thing. We love rankings. And we hate socialism.