The Legend of the Loko

Cold. Confused. Alone.

As I came to in my room last Sunday, I found myself trapped in a glass cage of emotion - How did I get here? Why was my leg bleeding? Was my dignity still intact? (Spoiler alert: no it was not) Although my memory of the previous evening was fairly nonexistent, I knew exactly how the night had begun: by shotgunning a Four Loko.

Up until last weekend, I had only heard the Legend of the Loko. Packed with the might of approximately three Keystone Lights and caffeinated by the hand of Zeus himself, it seemed as if no one had tasted this unholy libation without reaching ridiculous levels of true intoxication. As a seasoned drinker I figured Loko’s strength was simply a myth and decided to experience its effects firsthand. Never shall I doubt the general public again.

The first mistake was drinking Four Loko at all, but my true downfall was my aggressive method of engagement. Within an hour, I shotgunned my first Quatro Crazy, violently sipped a second, and began to nurse a third like a thirsty baby kangaroo. Soon enough, my juiced-up, blacked-out, insane alter ego reared its extremely good-looking head and released its phunkiness across CTown. I would remember none of it.

Pieced together through the recollections of sexy friends, it would seem that I spent most of the night doing irreparable damage to my body, my love life and my cell phone. Apparently I performed trust falls with no one there to catch me. I filmed a music-video/porno on the Palms dance floor. I decided my friends’ carpet was lava and found safety atop various pieces of furniture. I may have professed my love to multiple people, multiple times. I assure you that none of you have ever felt true shame.

However, I have no regrets (just keep telling yourself that). I lived to tell my tale, and now I am here to tell you this: NEVER DRINK FOUR LOKO. Ever. It only leads to bad things. My beveRAGE mantra was never meant to be taken so literally. Unless you are looking for a chunder catalyst like no other, just stay away from the stuff.

If you were hoping to find a wild cocktail recipe this week, here it is:

OJ + Cranberry

½ glass Orange Juice

½ glass Cranberry Juice

Combine juices. Ingest. Listen closely as your liver says, “Thank you.”  

On a final and more serious note, I’d like to remind everyone to please drink responsibly.  Although I may have not have heeded my own advice this one time, I was surrounded by good people that made sure I didn’t do anything too stupid. My stories might be lighthearted, but the consequences of drinking are not always so. Take care of one another people and always keep it sexy. It’s a good look.