So after two episodes this season, I’ve come to expect a lot from the wardrobe department: mismatched patterns, huge poofs, unnatural ensemble pairings. However, this week I was very disappointed. There were no weird outfits! None! Even Vanessa was fairly normal! And Serena looked cute in every scene! What gives, stylists?!
However, the episode was saved by the return of everyone’s favorite maid, nanny, housekeeper, stylist, decorator, party-planner and slave: DOROTA! Dorota (Zuzanna Szadkowski) is back to guide our favorite bitch, Blair, in all of her pursuits.
The website from which the show derives its name is down, leaving all of our favorite Upper East Siders without their daily gossip. OH NOZ! But Gossip Girl is Under Construction, not Out of Service, so perhaps she’s planning something big...
Fleur Delacour and Chuck are back in NYC, ready to show off their new love to the world. And oh my god, three episodes in and she finally has a name! Introducing Eva (pronounced Eh-vah) who has come to stir shit up for Chair!
In collegiate world, for those characters who are actually keeping up the charade that they are Sophomores in College, 19 and 20 years old, and not too old to get carded, Blair and Serena are starting their Sophomore Year at Columbia! What a coincidence that everyone in the show is going to a school in the city! Blair tells Serena she’s done being jealous, yeah right, and ready to start the school year off with a bang! And what better way than to join a special, elite, exclusive club at Columbia? That’s right, Hamilton House, where we see ex-Blair-minion Penelope (Amanda Setton) has already made a name for herself! Cue pettiness and we’re reminded of Gossip Girl Season 1!
And oh shit, the keeper of the keys (Hagrid? in keeping with the Harry Potter theme Fleur started for us...) is Juliet! And SURPRISE! Blair gets in the club, but Serena doesn’t! FINALLY! It’s not S that gets everything! She puts on a happy face for Blair, pretends she doesn’t care, and acts all understanding while Blair has her moment. And then she goes to call her favorite half-sibling-half-romantic-interest, Dan, to make her feel better.
Over in Brooklyn, Rufus finally breaks the news to Dan that Milo isn’t his. Sadface. D’s all depressed and tries to locate Georgina through the ‘spa’ she’s staying at when he receives S’s call. He blows her off, tells her it’s not a good time, and hangs up.
Poor S. So she asks Nate, who is conveniently walking by, to walk with her to class, He blows her off too! OH NOZ NO ONE WANTS TO BE SERENA’S FRIEND! Rejected by the club, then by her boys... Damn someone’s having a bad day!
AND THEN! Just when we thought our texting world was safe, Gossip Girl is back with a vicious text telling the Upper East Side that Chuck is back and that Georgina left for St. Bart’s! Cue horrified reactions from Rufus and Dan!
Speaking of Chuck, he’s turning over a new leaf! He goes to Lily’s apartment, explains his whole backstory with Ehhhhhvah, how he wants everyone to meet her, blahblahblah. Lily invites Chuck to the Fashion’s Night Out Party and tells him to bring Eva so that everyone can meet her. Great plan guys.
Chuck brings Eva to some fancy-shmancy designer story so that he can buy her a proper party dress. He then gets called to business and tells her to buy whatever. But whoopsie, Blair’s at the same dress store! And she has some words for Eva! The Biiiiiiiiiiitch comes out big time as Blair finally unleashes the inner nastiness we know and love, drawing Eva’s own attention to her flaws and insecurities.
Blair blows off Serena to go drink martinis with her new Hamilton House girls. She makes up some bullshit excuse about being back in her dorm and offers that to S in apology. Little does she know that Gossip Girl has upped the creeper status by having live feed on the webbie! As if the constant texts about what everyone’s doing isn’t enough, now we get to watch it too? Awesome! Except if you’re like B and caught in a lie because S is watching you on Gossip Girl... Oops.
With out newest lovebirds, Chuck and Eva, we see the effects of Blair’s meddling. Eva’s concerned that she doesn’t fit into Chuck’s world. Aw. Gag. Blair is the only thing that really fits into Chuck’s world, but Eva doesn’t know this. Sure, Eva’s cute and endearing, but she’ll get boring after a while. Just wait for it B! Chuck will come groveling back to you just like he always does!
Serena and Juliet have a run-in with some dramz at Columbia. Serena confronts Juliet about Hamilton House, and Juliet fesses up. She says Serena’s name was on the list of people to get in, but that BLAIR was the reason she didn’t get in! Apparently Blair told the Hamilton House Board that Serena had made a sex tape with some guy named Pete. Is Juliet lying or is Blair really on a bitchy roll?
UPCOMING SERENA-BLAIR SHOWDOWN AT THE FASHION’S NIGHT OUT PARTY! WHO’S READY?
But first, some brief Rufus-Chuck drama! In case you forgot, last season little J’s virginity was stolen by C. And as Rufus so very nicely found out, Chuck had also tried to force himself upon Jenny Season 1, back when Jennifer was all cute and innocent and not stuck in some weird Courtney Love grunge episode. So when Chuck reaches out to Rufus, he doesn’t want to hear it.
NOW ONTO THE REAL DRAMA!
Gossip Girl is streaming live footage of Blair and Serena fighting behind stage. It starts with name calling, escalates into shoving, and then breaks out into full physical fighting! Juliet hooks it up to the television, so that everyone on the party can see, and happily watches as Serena rips out Blair’s hair à la Danielle Staub from Real Housewives of New Jersey. Juliet pulls back the curtain to reveal the true cat fight... Except Blair and Serena are just sitting there. They faked the whole thing! Very good maneuver B. I’ll give you that. Turning the tables and revealing Juliet’s true side? Well done!
Lily shows up and makes Juliet give Serena her rightful key. Because apparently Serena had gotten into Hamilton House, but Juliet was just being pathetic and petty because she was jealous of Nate’s relationship with Serena. Dumb bitch. And with that transfer of power, all of the little minions/Hamilton house underlings literally switch sides from Juliet to Serena and Blair. Juliet runs off. Nate runs after her. Serena runs after Nate. Cue Benny Hill theme song. (Youtube it if you need the auditory message.)
Serena catches Nate and tries to make him see Juliet is an awful person. But Nate happily reminds Serena that she’s not so great herself. After all, consider her track record at the end of last season: she cheated on Nate with Dan (bad call), she dumped Nate (major bad call), left for the summer (but it was PARIS!), and then came back pretending like nothing had happen. So maybe he DOES have a reason to be mad at her...
Back in Brooklyn, Dan’s caring for Baby Milo all on his own. Because even though it’s not his baby, somebody has to! When all of sudden, in barges the Wicked Witch of the West! That’s right, GEORGINA! She explains everything to Dan: apparently the baby is Sergei’s, some Russian dude who she slept with on a plane whose wife found out and put a hit out on G. Georgina tells Dan that she’s taking Milo with her. And just when he was starting to really get attached to the little guy!
Back at the party, Lily is being motherly to Chuck. She tells him he can make things right with Eva. Chuck apologizes to Eva for blowing her off earlier at the party. He tells her that he was embarrassed of himself and not of her. Eva then opens Pandora’s Box and asks Chuck about his past. And because Chuck is this reformed new man, he tells her. And the dumb bitch decides she can stay with him!
And then with Nate’s little show of loyalty for Juliet, they’re finally together!
UGG SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP
Blair puts it best when she exclaims to Serena, upon seeing Juliet and Nate, “Once men have tasted caviar, it baffles me how they settle for catfish.”
So now everyone’s moving in together. Dan and Vanessa, Blair and Serena, Chuck and Eva... Sounds like one big slumber party!
But not if Juliet has anything to say about it...
The episode ends with Juliet visiting some cute convict at jail, holding hands with him and telling him lovingly that everything is going to work out. Umm... wtf?!
As Gossip Girl says, “Trouble’s moving in, and it’s looking to make the Upper East Side its bitch.”