Gossip Girl Recap: Goodbye Columbia!

Sorry for the delayed blog, lovies. You can blame the shitty electric companies on Long Island for allowing the power to fail at my house.

Our happy little story opens up with Serena getting her cab stolen by some hottie. Apparently this is a daily occurrence. Blair’s been researching women of power and putting her minions to work. Knew it wouldn’t be long before she had bounced back! Vanessa and Dan are happy and good and doing this new ‘honestly policy.’

Nate’s inviting Dan to double date with him and Juliet. Apparently he and Juliet haven’t had sex yet, so Nate’s been stealing pages out of Dan’s book and just staying up snuggling and talking to Juliet. Aw. Too bad she’s a creeper.

Speaking of JuJu Bear, she’s meeting with her prison guy Ben to discuss their plans! They want to take everything away from Serena and leave her with nothing, just like Ben was. Columbia seems like a good place to start!

Chuck is auditing classes to get a feel for Columbia before he donates a rotunda, so he runs into Blair as she’s trying to register for a class. Chuck tells Blair he’s going to take Columbia away from her like she took Eva away from him.

Wtf is this, take Columbia away from Upper East Siders week?

This just in! A new blast from Gossip Girl hinting that Serena might have STDs! I wonder who’s behind it... *cough cough Juliet cough cough.*

Serena’s mortified, but Blair tells her to hold her head high and it will all blow over. Blair’s had her fair share of scandals, after all.

Juliet then decides to stick her nose in further and make Nate get tested. She won’t have sex with him until he’s tested, which is responsible of her, but her reasons are screwy. She just wants Nate to get his picture taken while getting tested so that it looks like the rumor is true. Nate has Dan come with him for moral support, so now when he gets his picture taken it will look like he’s getting tested too! So both boys will look like they’re afraid they caught S’s icky Serena Transmitted Diseases.

Blair wants to get the assistant position in Martha Chamberlain’s special lecture. Except... Chuck steps in and steals the position from her! Rats! Looks like he really is taking Columbia away... Except Blair has a trick up her sleeve. She’s going to bribe her professor into giving her the position by offering her a man from her step father Cyrus’s law firm! Whoring out the help, eh B?

Serena’s hottie who has been stealing her cab has apparently been making her late. And in Columbia world, latenesses equal absences, so this is affecting her grade. OH NOZ! Cry me a river. S arranges to meet with her professor for office hours. Except when she goes to catch her cab, hottie is there to steal it again! Except this time, Serena steals it back, playfully bantering with him. However, she’s still late, so her professor leaves instead of waiting for her to come to their appointment.

Back in Nate and Juliet honeymoon world, the couple is eagerly waiting for Nate’s test results so that they can finally do it. Except, his results will take days to come! So they are going to have to wait... Oh goodness.

Juliet speaks to her brother/prison friend/Ben on the phone. He wants her to get Nate to steal Serena’s phone. He doesn’t want her to develop an attachment to Nate because that will screw everything up. Um, buddy, it’s a little late for that.

Vanessa tracks down Juliet and confides all of her problems in her. She thinks Dan cheated on her with Serena last Spring, even though he told her he didn’t. Regardless of their honestly policy, Vanessa can’t help but feel that Dan was at the clinic to get tested because he slept with Serena and is afraid she gave him something. Convoluted? Yes. But everyone’s insecure when it comes to Serena and their men. Right, Blair, Jenny, and Juliet?

Juliet tells Vanessa that they’ll discuss this at the Hamilton House party.

Ah, yes, the party. Because where would our Upper East Siders be without an excuse to get dolled up and sip champagne?

Blair tries to set Chamberlain up, but Chuck gets involved and replaces the cute guy with a cute girl. Chamberlain is insulted that Blair thought that because she was a powerful woman that meant she was a lesbian. Blair tries to do damage control but it’s no good. Chuck fucked this one up.

Juliet and Vanessa sneak off to the coat check to steal Serena’s bag and check her emails on her phone. Vanessa finds out Dan was telling the truth! He didn’t cheat!

Juliet then gets the phone and steals it. She then sends an email from it. Hmm... suspicious...

Serena goes to talk to her professor and the Dean about her latenesses. Except... they’re talking about an email Serena had sent offering sex for good grades! What?! S’s grades are important to her, but not that important! And the automatic response for something like this is expulsion. Serena protests that it wasn’t her, but the Dean refuses to believe it.

Vanessa overhears and tells Juliet she’s going to tell Serena they had her phone. Juliet freaks out and in an act of supreme ass-saving, dumps the phone in Vanessa’s back. She then tells Serena to call it so that they can find out who stole it.

Serena does, and it rings from Vanessa’s bag!

Juliet throws Vanessa under the bus (I wish someone would throw Juliet under a real bus...) and says Vanessa wanted to get revenge on Serena for sleeping with Dan.

Vanessa is mortified. She tries to explain what actually happened but no one will listen to her.

So, she goes back home and packs up to move out. She tells Dan that she didn’t send the email or start the rumors and Dan believes her. But, she didn’t believe him so clearly their relationship wasn’t all that solid. Vanessa then gets all sad and cry-y about losing Dan. Cry me a river.

Gossip Girl sends a retraction and an apology about the STD rumor.

Blair goes to talk to Chuck. They fight, as they always do. Chuck tells her that whatever she wants, wherever she wants it, he’ll be there to take it away. Blair tells Chuck that he lost the only thing that made him happy when he slept with ho-bag Jenny.

Oh... right... That.

Chuck then tells Blair that he’s going to tell everyone that he slept with Jenny, which will ruin both him and Blair socially. Blair is horrified.

Her friend Serena is doing much better though, seeing as cab-stealing-hottie is at the bar with her! He tells her that is explains to him why she’s drinking alone, he’ll tell her anything. She tells him she’s drinking alone because she can’t start over, can’t escape her problems and is basically stuck in the same situation as before just in a different world. Cab-stealing-cutie tells her that he stopped apologizing for his past a while ago. Hmm... that’s a good idea...

Juliet tells Ben about how the plan unfolded. He’s angry that Serena wasn’t expelled. Juliet explains that she let V take the fall so that Serena would trust her and then she could use something even more juicy to ruin her life. Nice coverup, JuJu!

Juliet and Nate then proceed to have sex. Cue drooling over his hot body...

Chuck is getting in touch with Jenny Humphrey now... Wtf NOOOOOOOO! Don’t bring that ho back! She’s disgusting! Ugg! Tell her and her black eyeliner to stay in Hudson! Screw you, Chuck, and your desire to ruin Blair’s life! Couldn’t you have set it up so that it didn’t involve the most annoying character in the world??