Breaking the Meathead Curve

I’ve never been one for New Year’s resolutions. I’ve given up hope that I’ll be able to run a marathon by May merely because I drunkenly resolved to up my workout ante on December 31. But New Year’s Eve this year found me relaxing at a chill bar with my friend Jeff — the bitchiest nice guy you’ll ever meet — and a best girlfriend from Cornell. As the $2 well drinks flowed, my girlfriend and I decided the time was right to tap into Jeff’s brain for a little Q & A session about the male mind. He imparted wisdom about all the times it’s OK to text a guy (bullshit ... text away any day, if you ask me) and generally shot to hell everything I deemed acceptable in the way of flirting.  Except for my eye-fucking skills — apparently they’re still alright. 

It didn’t take me long to realize that there was one critical difference between Jeff and the guys I usually go for — he’s really, really nice. The personal realization that followed was mildly startling. Apart from every. single. guy. that I’ve ever been genuinely interested in being blonde haired and blue-eyed meatheads, they’re all assholes. So I thereby decided that 2011 would introduce no new jerks into my life. Such a lofty goal, I know. 

But I know in my heart of hearts that I’m not alone in my poor hook-up choices. If Don Draper were sent my way I’d break my New Year’s Resolution before he could finish his cigarette and whiskey breakfast. But I’m dedicated. No more conversing with the old ex-boyfriend, no more lusting over disinterested douchebags.  Have I already screwed up?  Sure. But I’ll consider it just a drunken hiccup in my jackass rehabilitation plan.

I can only really speak from the female side of things, but I think the dating and mating world is practically built on the general trend of women falling for bad boys. With my New Year’s Resolution weighing heavily on my mind and my winter break winding down, returning to Cornell loomed in the very near future. I decided to find out why women just can’t resist the charm — or lack thereof — of an exceedingly over-confident toolbag.

Considering this was as much a task in self-diagnosis as it was research for this column, I turned to my trusty AskMen.com for help. (Every time my “top sites” window pops up and I see AskMen.com staring back at me, my heart drops a little.  I should probably find some helpful male friends to replace my online faux-male BFF) In any case, the whole site is littered with how-to’s about being a jerk, and all the positive ways that abiding by their helpful tips will skyrocket your love life. Some of the most noteworthy — and, I’m sure, really effective — words of advice ranged from “never show emotions” to “rip a girl down from a pedestal from day one.” Oh, and make yourself really, really scarce! Never be there when she might need you. That can only lead to bad things — like trust and emotional security! 

But if men are following these words of wisdom and they’re actually working, then … why?  Obviously both sexes are attracted to confidence.  Since the dawn of time, women have sought out men who appear to be physically in control and able to provide protection and care. But in a day and age when my Blueface Pepper Spray (it dyes your assailant’s face blue for easy recognition ... I highly recommend it) offers more protection than any guy I might happen to tow home from the bar, why does a hot, juiced up athlete make me instantly want to take my shirt off?  

So is it evolutionarily based?  Are we genetically programmed to seek out this type of man?  From what I deduce, the attraction of jackass guys lies in the excitement of the extreme.  In the pursuit of a man with unbridled masculinity, I think it all boils down to the want of something a little chancier than a standup gent. 

But screw that, I’m swearing off. From now on, the only heart-pounding moments I’ll have are mixing Red Bull with my vodka. 

I’m just glad I came to this realization early on in my dating life.  Sure, I’ve screwed up a ton, but lesson learned. Good thing that what I might be attracted to currently doesn’t necessarily predict the kind of man I’ll settle down with. Although bad boys are a hot commodity for women in their sexual prime of life, a long-term commitment with a jerk isn’t everyone’s definition of a dream union. Most women look to settle down with the nice guys, the ones who might have seen a few less unfamiliar bedrooms in their day. Plus, if the age-old mantra holds any water, then the nice guys are really up on their sexual etiquette game. Nice guys might finish last, but that’s perfect — men should always let the woman finish first. 

The Preacher’s Daughter is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She may be reached at preachersdaughter@cornellsun.com [8]. Decent Exposure appears alternate Thursdays this semester.