Reflecting on our old columns, it became clear to us that we are essentially boozy, advice-spouting grandmas. There are a few reasons for this. First of all, we tell a lot of the same jokes repeatedly and complain about the young freshman hoodlums — repeatedly. And we are really boozy.  

R: I’m not even really that boozy anymore; I prefer a nice glass of prune juice ...

R: I’m boozy enough for the both of us 

We’re also overly concerned with Medicaid legislation and proud members of the AARP (American Association of Rage Pioneers?). We are emphatic advocates of full-coverage bras and we watch a lot of Law and Order and MASH. Then there’s the fact that we eat dinner at 5 p.m. and sometimes leave the bars even before they close. And since Spring Break (woo!) is nearing, we figured we’d do our boozy Grandmotherly duty ... 

R: To get biddies to wear full coverage bathing suits?

R: Do they even make those anymore?  

No silly, to give advice!  

So here is what you need to know if you are headed on the conventional Spring Break (woo!), ripe with pineapples and peril. 

(1) We would not have thought we needed to talk about this, but Cornellians on previous Spring Breaks (woo!) have apparently noticed when other Cornellians have sported “razor-burn half-way down their thighs.” 

R: Think of the implications!

R: So much surface area! 

If you are not in board shorts the entire time, i.e. if you are a female: get a bikini wax. If you do not get one, have shame, and also are not of Asian descent, you WILL be embarrassed.  

(2) Many of the same campus rules apply:

i. If you don’t have the body to carry off what you’re wearing, don’t wear it! Here’s lookin’ at you side-boob. If chicken fingers are your favorite food and you haven’t seen the inside of a gym in a while, that string bikini may not be the best idea. You will be drunk and bloated. There will be pictures. 

ii. Don’t get fooled into thinking that Spring Break (woo!) stays on Spring Break (woo!). Even what happens in Vegas may come back to haunt you, so if you wouldn’t do something at school, don’t do it on Spring Break (woo!) either. For example, don’t get naked in front of people. Just because it didn’t happen at JO’s (EW!) doesn’t mean people aren’t going to talk about it at JO’s or that your dad/Boss won’t find it on the Internet. We know a girl whose Dad followed her down to Spring Break (woo!) to hang around and survey her. That could be you! That could be your dad. 

R: What’s your dad like?

R: I wanna meet that dad! 

iii. The consequences of your decisions are a lot more severe. If you get caught buying or selling drugs at school, at worst, you will probably get suspended and bad things might happen. If you get caught doing the same in Acapulco, you may disappear. These places are largely lawless. Cops will steal from you. Other people will steal from you. This is not a drill: This has happened to us and people we know. 

(3) AVOIDING RAPE: We cannot emphasize enough that at any time, in any place, YOU COULD GET RAPED. You will be drunker than you have ever been, you will not be wearing a lot of clothes, and in all likelihood, you will not be in Ithaca bars; you will be in huge, crazy, stranger-filled clubs. You might get separated from your friends. Those are things that you may not be able to control. All notions of feminism aside, do not think of this as a situation where you can do whatever you want. It is different for women on Spring Break (woo?). Don’t expect everyone you meet, even Cornellians, to understand that no means no (sometimes non is no, sometimes nein ist nein). It may generally not be a good idea to have sex with someone you don’t know anywhere, but it’s definitely not in Mexico, and its definitely not in the Dominican Republic. 

R: Is that racist? 

While you might be thinking sex, they might be thinking something else: 

R: What if they want to do p in the b?

R: What if you get raped in the face?

R: What if you are sold into sexual slavery?

R: What if they want to tie you up in a basement and gang rape you with their friends?

R: What if they’re a serial killer? What if they’re a budding sociopath and you’re Spring Break-ness sends him over the edge?

R: What if they’re into weird stuff?

R: What if they poop on your stomach as an act of sexuality? (Is that rape?)

R: It’s definitely sexual assault. Also, gross.

R: What if he’s like: “Would you mind if I just put on this outfit?” 

You do not want to wake up in a ditch. It is really hard to get out of a ditch, literally and metaphorically. If something happens to you, it will take a really long time to get over it. We hate to say that you are asking for it if you go to some random townies apartment, but you are. You are asking for it. 

(4) Other random advice:

i. This is not the time to try drugs you have not tried before. They may be cut with stuff you don’t know about. You might be that one in however many people who seizes when they try coke. If you are, you don’t want to be in the hands of random, non-English speaking paramedics.

ii. Look out for your friends, try to stay together, and be sensitive to what they want to do. At least try to leave together.

iii.  Do not lose your room key, they may not let you back into your hotel.

iv. Don’t bring shit you care about.

v. Do bring bug-repellent and itch-erase! 

(6) And now that we’ve scared the SHIT out of you, HAVE SUPERFUNTIMES. The less you get raped, the more fun you will have on Spring Break (woo!). The less stuff you have stolen, the more fun you will have on Spring Break (woo!). The less you flash random people, the more fun you will have for the rest of your life (woo!). We know we really sound like olds, but, in this case, some sage advice is necessary. Take it from one person who has been on 4 Spring Breaks (woopdie fucking doo) and another person who has travelled to a lot of lawless places. None of this advice will impede you from having an awesome time; it’ll only make your Spring Break better.

For us, the time for Spring Break (eh) has ended; but for many of you, it is only beginning. So be safe and enjoy!  

R: Wow, we hardly said “fuck” or “douche” this time.

R: We’re really becoming grandmas!

R: Your grandma never says douche.