Note to reader: If’n you readers of this here newspaper want this article to have its full effect, it must be read in a Scottish accent, laddie.

Ye Cornellians mightn’t have heard of the Loch Ness Monster who dwelleth off the moors of fair Scotland. But, more importantly, ye all must be wary of another creature, even the more fearsome, who resides in your midst.

At the bottom of Loch Beebe lies more than sand and pebbles. In the depths of this particular loch lies the lair of a terrifying creature — the Loch Beebe Monster.

Big red beast: The Loch Beebe monster was first sighted eating students on North Campus last year. Since then, the University has done nothing but charge people money to come see it.E’ry year on Hallows Eve does the Loch Beebe Monster surface to prey on unsuspecting students walking to and fro their parties. Neither runnin’, nor screamin’, nor strugglin’ can save these ‘ere students if the monster sets his yellow eyes upon ‘em. For if the monster sees ye, he strikes with the swiftness of a Scottsman’s fingers playin’ on the bagpipes. Nary even a whimper can escape the mouths o’ his victims.

“It was something terrible,” said Bonnie Lass ‘12. “Last year me roommate up and disappeared. I done heard a ‘orrible moanin’ and groanin’ from the gorge below the footbridge, and next I knew somethin’ up and snatched me mate. I thought I’d simply been a bit too merry at ye olde Thumpty that evening, but lo and behold it all turned out to be true.”

According to Prof. Lucky Leprechaun, paleontology and celtic studies, the dreaded monster may be an ancestral species preserved for millions of years.

“If my findings are correct, this species is not to be messed with,” Leprechaun said. “It’s a vicious predator that gobbles its victims up whole.”

For years, the monster has been exacting its wrath on students, and no one has dared stand in its path. But this year mightn’t be different. The bespectacled knight Sir Skortsalot, after plunderin’ the catacombs of Sage Chapel in search of the instrument destined to tame this hellish beast, doth believes he hath found the very tool for the task.

In the year 2011 A.D., on Hallows Eve Eve, Sir Skortsalot, like Beowulf of yore, will plumb the murky waters of Loch Beebe in search of the loathsome creature beneath. In his hand, Sir Skortsalot will yield the goblin-made, ruby-encrusted, basilisk-slaying sword of none other than this fair University’s founder and namesake — Godric Gryffindor.

“In my well-educated opinion, your knight’s best hope lies in the stacks of the A.D. White Library,” said Herhiney Granger, Brown ‘13.

Ne’er one to pass up a hearty battle, Sir Skortsalot willn’t be takin’ Miss Granger’s advice. He’ll be takin’ on the dreaded and feared monster of Loch Beebe, but he will not be enterin’ that dreaded fortress of murky doom unaccompanied. His trusty companion and pet Fox, whom Skortsalot has named Provost, will be aiding the knight on this his most frightening of journeys.

A wee bit o’ courage shan’t be enough in this most treacherous mission. Let us hope that Sir Skortsalot is victorious in his quest to thwart the wretched beast. For if’n he fails, his quest will only have served to further anger the appetite of the monster, endangerin’ each wench and danny-boy a-wanderin from North Campus in search of libations.

The contents of this story are completely fabricated and are not intended to be taken seriously. This piece was featured in The Sun's 2009 Halloween issue.