Op-Ed
The Summer in Review
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John Manetta Once Told Me
Heartless, Not Stupid
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Hi! I thought I would take a moment to introduce myself. My name is Bill. I’m a (single) Pisces that enjoys meeting new people, fun in the sun and Italian food. My favorite activities? I’m glad you asked. I spend most of my time looking in the mirror, laughing at liberals and reading the hate mail that they send me for this column.
Now that that’s out of the way, I thought I would recount the summer’s most memorable moments (merrily I might add). See, while many Cornell students spent their summer making money in finance and tanning on the beach, I remained a pale, broke intern that was paid (very little) to read the news all day. Needless to say, it was a very rewarding experience — I still have not received my recommendation in the mail, by the way.
NASA admitted that several astronauts were drunk during missions into space — it’s Lindsay Lohan’s Herbie Fully Loaded meets The Right Stuff . Seriously, drunk … in space — perhaps now NASA will be Ted Kennedy’s, rather than JFK’s, legacy.
Summer heat … err global warming … has been blamed for the level five hurricane that is currently ripping through Mexico and Texas. Scientists have also cited global warming as the root cause of the earthquake the rocked Peru recently, as well as Chris Benoit’s murder suicide, Scott Baio’s T.V. show and child pornography. And just to remind the world how awful temperature change is, United Nations Secretary General Ban Ki-Moon also claimed that global warming was responsible for the genocide in Darfur — shortly after bowing before an effigy of Al Gore.
The Russians laid claim to the North Pole … causing a rift between the fragile peace between Vladimir Putin and jolly ole Saint Nick. The dispute was resolved shortly after Putin and Claus met; Santa recanted his belief that the North Pole should not be used as a launch site for ballistic missiles aimed at Europe. He then “committed suicide” by stabbing himself in the back with an ice pick. His wife and elves were sent to a gulag.
Democratic presidential contender Barack Obama endorsed sex education programs for kindergartners earlier in the summer. He has since changed his position because his 6-year-old daughter was upset after seeing “Obama Girl” on YouTube. “Explaining to my 6-year-old what ‘you’ll get your head of state’ meant was not as good an idea as one might think,” the freshmen senator said yesterday.
Senator Carl Levin (D-MI) called for Iraqi Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki’s resignation yesterday. The honorable senator stated that Maliki’s secularism was hurting the country. Levin complaining that someone is too secular is about as genuine as telling a freshmen girl “you’re different from the rest” during Orientation Week.
John McCain’s once promising campaign for the Republican presidential nomination is on the verge of crumbling. McCain, who initially lead the pack, is now lucky to finish in the top three. His campaign collapsed faster than the housing market. The maverick Republican senator told reporters in Arizona, “I’m not gonna lie … I am as broke and unpopular as Carrot Top and Pauly Shore put together. I mean look at me, I ride around in a bus for Chrissakes.” He then spilled ice tea on his shirt, excused himself and dozed off in the mid-afternoon mumbling “these old eyes.”
Several home-grown terrorists in Great Britain were thwarted by authorities as they attempted to set off car bombs in England and Scotland. What’s more shocking is that these men were well-educated, middle-class citizens. In fact, some of the potential terrorists were doctors on the government payroll by day, murderous fanatics by night. A benefit that Michael Moore failed to mention in Sicko.
Michael Vick pled guilty to felony dog-fighting charges and is possibly facing a 12 to 18 month prison sentence. Little did Vick know that if he wanted a real dog fight he could have taken advantage of Congress’ slumber party — err overnight session — to watch Barney Frank — the first openly gay representative — and Nancy Pelosi have a pillow fight. It was not as funny as you might think.
The Iraqi Parliament took a month-long break this summer, leaving resolutions remaining on the table for debate. “It’s despicable. I cannot believe the nerve of those Iraqi representatives taking a vacation at a time like this. Unbelievable!” said senator and potential Democratic nominee for the White House Chris Dodd (D-CT), as he sipped a margarita on the deck of his house in the Hamptons. “There is just too much to do,” the senator explained as he prepared to set sail in his 120-foot yacht.
Speaking of the Democratic primaries — and when I say speaking of, I mean candidates that are actually relevant (sorry Senator Dodd) — have you heard about the catfights erupting over on Capitol Hill? Mrs. Edwards, much to her husband’s chagrin, is not afraid to speak his mind. This was certainly the case when the wannabe first-lady claimed that her husband was more fem than Hillary Clinton.
The verbal onslaught against Clinton was not yet through. Obama’s wife, a very humble director at a money-grubbing private hospital, joined the fray as well. She stated, “If you can’t run your own house, how can you run the White House?” — an obvious allusion to Bill Clinton’s infidelities and Hillary’s inability to neuter the scumbag.
Hillary shot back at all these attacks by wearing a low-cut pant-suit, accentuating her cleavage. America vomited.
Freshmen showed up looking for O-week parties. The seniors failed to deliver. Shame on you, College Ave. residents.
In closing, Iran kidnapped several American citizens — pray for them.
Billy McMorris is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be contacted at wjm27@cornell.edu. John Manetta Once Told Me will appear alternate Wednesdays this semester.