Op-Ed
The Text Heard Round the World...OMG!
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Gain Through Loss
August 20, 2007 - 11:00pmBaby Spice texts Dick Cheney.
The text message helps ignite a series of events that will reunite the best pop group ever, resurrect soccer in America and lead to a unilateral military strike on Iran by the United States.
Let me explain.
Mary Claire Cheney, Dick’s youngest daughter, always felt like she was born for the stage. Late in her 20s, she attended Sylvia Young Theatre School in London where she became good friends with another aspiring singer, Emma Lee Bunton (who later became known as Baby Spice of the Spice Girls). While Mary herself never made it to the big stage, she grew close to Emma and encouraged her to pursue her lifelong dream of being a pop star.
Dick grew very thankful for Emma and Mary’s friendship and through the years, Emma became a close family friend of the Cheneys.
Dick Cheney has served as George W. Bush’s vice-president since the beginning of Bush’s term in January 2001, advising the president on issues of the economy and foreign policy.
Bush’s last two presidential campaigns have been heavily funded by Philip Anschutz, an American businessman and major stakeholder within several Los Angeles sports teams including the NBA Lakers, the NHL Kings and the MLS Galaxy.
Mr. Anschutz recently played an instrumental role in orchestrating a blockbuster deal that brought world soccer icon David Beckham to the L.A. Galaxy from Real Madrid.
David Beckham has been married for 10 years to Victoria Beckham, aka Posh Spice, former pop star, fashion icon and paparazzi eye candy.
Posh Spice, along with Scary, Sporty and Ginger, has been coerced by Baby Spice (through Dick Cheney) to reunite for a final greatest hits album and world tour.
Starting to get the picture?
If not, let me explain further.
Within the walls of the White House, Cheney has been pushing for military action against Iran for some time now. Support for Cheney’s wishes — immediate, unfounded unilateral military against Iran — is limited. Particularly vocal against Cheney have been the more than half-million Iranian Americans that live in and around Los Angeles. Iranians’ love for their home country is perhaps second only to their love for high fashion, soccer and bad pop music — a love that Cheney has recognized and seeks to capitalize upon.
Starting to make sense?
Sending Becks to L.A. to save American soccer. Posh Spice, her stilettos, silicon and stardom, would follow. And the Spice Girls; back together again for a final album and a world tour with a stop in Los Angeles. A combination certain to distract even the most patriotic Iranian-American from Cheney’s military agenda.
The plan began to form on a late night in the Oval Office when Cheney warmed Bush up with some Hot Pockets, Johnnie Walker and The Notebook. Cheney then carefully asked if Bush would contact his good friend and business mogul Philip Anschutz about a potential deal that would ship soccer star Beckham to the L.A. Galaxy from Real Madrid. Despite never understanding soccer, Bush agreed, and several weeks later Anschutz completed the deal sending Becks and Posh to Los Angeles.
To help reunite the Spice Girls, Cheney called an old friend, Baby Spice. Negotiations occurred primarily via text messaging and climaxed in early August, when Cheney finally agreed to replace the Lincoln Memorial with the Baby Spice Memorial (replacing Lincoln’s mug with Baby’s on Mount Rushmore wasn’t feasible, Dick argued). In exchange, Baby promised Dick a Spice Girls final album and world tour.
One simple text message later and Cheney’s plan was completed:
From: BabyS
To: BigD
thanx for chocolates! u r so bad richard! bad richard! jay kaaay!
n e ways, the girls are on board lolz!!!1
I myself have been very vocal against this administration’s desire to consider military force on Iran, but somehow, you know with Beckham playing soccer in the U.S. now and the Spice Girls getting back together … I mean, I don’t know. Anyways, if you want me to get you a ticket to the Dec. 11 NYC show, send me a text.
Behzad Varamini is a graduate student in Nutritional Sciences. He can be contacted at bv29@cornell.edu. Gain Through Loss will appears alternate Tuesdays this semester.