You know the place. Maybe it has a cool, hip name like Intelligentsia. Maybe it has a cool, hip, ironic name, like anti-Intelligentsia. You know, so that it makes you chuckle as you walk in, kind of like a douchebag. Then you order a bullshit, vaguely Italian sounding coffee, like an espresso, cappuccino, or latte, and you say you want it grande, again, kind of like a douchebag, this time a Hispanic one. Then you get your drink and you put a little sleeve around it that says it was recycled and you go talk to someone about sustainability and why it’s very important that all those Republicans start to recycle stuff so that you can get more sleeves to wrap around your coffee. Again, kind of like a douchebag.

I felt the need to write this after reading an article by some old dude in the Chicago Tribune about the death of the small coffee shop. He used terms such as “Barista Culture,” “hip vibe,” “Starbucks feel,” and “aesthetic.” Let me use them in a sentence for you: “The Starbucks feel really douses my hip vibe and I totally didn’t get a sense of Barista Culture while I was there working on my aesthetics paper.”

First off, why the hell are we still calling high school kids working a part-time job baristas? A doctor, he who saves lives, is called at various points in his career: pre-med (uncool), intern (you’re 28 and just an intern?), resident (what the hell is that?). But serve me some beans in water and you’re a barista. Fancy. The term barista is a vaguely Italian word. Scholars, after struggling for years, have managed to translate it. It means barmaid. You know, kinda like a tourist would be a turista and a shoe maker would be a zapatista. I guess barista doesn’t sound so cool to Italians when every other word ends in ista. But here, you’re cool if you say the word barista. You’re even cooler if you are one. And how much of a douchebag do you have to be to write that you were a “Barista” on your resume. Accountant, plumber, cashier ... all words that describe a job. But barista? Why not just write “Cool: 2005 – 2008.” You have the same job as the dude that makes milkshakes. More often than not you are making fancy milkshakes.

Now, many coffee-shop frequenters think coffee actually comes from Williamsburg, New York, where it is planted and grown by up and coming musicians who have not yet reached stardom but who will be really cool to know in two years, but not in four. Categorically, that is not true. At all. Coffee actually comes from AFRICA, where it has been grown and consumed for TEN THOUSAND YEARS. Somehow, they managed to go for ten centuries without bitching about the downfall of Barista Culture and taking ten minutes in Target to sniff various Starbucks brews they could place prominently in their dorm rooms. Makes you really just want to stand up and applaud the perseverance of these people. The perseverance not to become coffee-drinking douchebags.

And these people don’t even have thermoses! Here, we have that luxury, and yet I have never seen anyone in this University who is not being paid to be here use a thermos. I know the entire concept of this utility — it’s meant to keep hot drinks (think coffee) hot — is absurd to you.

“But Uncle Yev, why would you make coffee at home for pennies and put it in a thermos that doesn’t have any logo on it? Nobody would see you buying coffee and you would never get to talk to any Baristas. And if there’s no logo on the thermos, how would you make friends? What if they drink Starbux brews? And if you can’t do that then why would you drink coffee at all because it doesn’t even taste that great and that whole thing about keeping you awake is mostly bullshit especially considering the fact that you could get a tasty Coca-Cola which has as much caffeine as a coffee, and the coffee is way watered-down at most coffee shops anyway. WHY UNCLE YEV?! WHY?!

Do you think this is a lie? That people do not drink coffee just to be cool? Then what about decaf, huh? What about HOT BROWN WATER? DO I LIE? DO I LIE NOW?!

Yevgeniy Feldman is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at ef63@cornell.edu. That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Mondays this semester.