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Editorial

Andy and Ezra Escape From The Hill

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Heroes and Villains

October 9, 2008 - 11:00pm

It was a day very much like this one in October of 1868. Thursday night, Zinck’s had been shut down by mounted agents of the New York State Division of Alcohol and Beverage Control after a nearly-fatal table dancing incident left hundreds injured. The Cornell Copperhead — a conservative newspaper that remained sympathetic to the Confederacy three years after the end of the Civil War — nearly had “Cornell” removed from its name because of an article it published making light of the death of Abraham Lincoln. And, speaking of presidents, Republican Ulysses S. Grant was in a battle-to-the-electoral-death with Democratic candidate Horatio Seymour.

In the midst of all this sturm und drang, two bros had had enough. They’d had enough of the politics, they’d tanked on Cornell’s very first ever prelims, and besides — Zinck’s was closed for the weekend. So Andy and Ezra escaped from the Hill to get some fresh air and a much-deserved rest from founding the greatest university the Finger Lakes region had ever seen. And Andy and Ezra invented fall break, and it was good.

Meanwhile, back in the present, fall is in the air. Fall Break is upon us. And time, 140 years after Fall Break first broke, marches on.

This weekend, literally millions of Cornellians will return to Queen and Country for the HEROIC holiday of Canadian Thanksgiving. As the clock strikes midnight, our neighbors to the north will feast on roast beaver, moose pie and habitant soup to celebrate the discovery of Quebec by the fabulously courageous explorer Yves St. Laurent — and the discovery of British Canada by cartoon Mountie Dudley Do-right.

For those of you heading to the HEROIC City of Boston, be sure to check out the scene at Harvard Stadium where the HEROIC Red will take on the SUPERVILLAINOUS Harvard Crimson.

Earlier this week, our HEROIC friends at Trojan condoms named Cornell the third most sexually healthy school in the nation. Someone should tell the VILLAINOUS U.S. News to give us a few spots in response. Seriously. Not to mention Penn or Dartmouth, but Wash. U. is ahead of us? Wash. U.? Where do these people come up with this stuff, the Wasilla Free Library?

Speaking of things that somehow relate to Wasilla, this week our HEROIC Dear Leader, dubbed “That One” by the opposition, engaged in Holy Trial By Combat with the VILLAINOUS John McCain, a grumpy old Smurf who claims to be the childhood friend of Teddy Roosevelt. We don’t believe him simply because we’re sure he was in Saratoga Springs all those years back in 1868, macking honeys and downing shots on the very first Fall Break. Our buddies Andy and Ezra swear to it.