“Sorry, this is probably wrong but . . .”

“Sorry, I’m not sure if this is what you mean . . .”

“Oh! Sorry!”

If you have heard any of those phrases lately, chances are they came out of a woman’s mouth. A lot of women at Cornell, myself included, are too quick to apologize. Ever since I noticed it, I try to check myself before I say sorry. What am I sorry for? Often I should instead be saying excuse me, or nothing at all. After diminishing my use of the S-word, I have noticed considerable improvements in my overall self-esteem and a stronger sense of self. This does not exactly put me alongside the likes of Eleanor Roosevelt and Pink in the big leagues of female self-confidence, but it’s a start.

I see unnecessary apologies as part of a larger trend of socializing girls — or, at the very least, white middle-class girls like me — to be small, obedient, and to some extent negligible. Many social cues, starting from childhood and kicking into full force at puberty, tell us to be un-intrusive. We are rewarded for being well behaved in class, sweet, and non-threatening. Apologizing profusely seems to be an offshoot of that. I take issue with two types of apology in particular: apologizing for speaking in class, and apologizing for unknowingly getting in someone’s way. Both of these seem to be more common in women than in men. And whenever they occur — whether with males or females — they are damaging to self-esteem.

In class discussions, when you preface a comment with an apology, you effectively deprecate your own competence. The rationale is that if you demean your comment first, no one else can. But in doing so, you beat yourself before you’ve even begun. Participating in class does not call for apology. It is not a good practice if you want to feel good about yourself, and get the most out of your education. The fact that girls do this more than boys shows that something is still holding girls back in the classroom, even as far into the education game as college.

The other problematic apology is when “sorry” is used instead of “excuse me.” Women do it all the time. There are times in our lives when we all err in our social graces: blocking traffic at CTB while waiting for a sandwich, for example, or reaching eagerly for the same copy of The Sun as another Cornellian (I know, it’s hard to contain yourself). You did not mean to, but you got in someone’s way. A quick, “excuse me,” and an earnest eye-lock should get you off the hook. You do not need to say you’re sorry.

Realistically, on such an occasion, what could you possibly be sorry for? If you completed the thought, you might say, “I’m sorry I was here at the same time as you,” or “I’m sorry I’m here.” The idea, reduced, is that you are sorry you exist. That is depressing and I prefer to stay away from that kind of thinking. Not to mention, being sorry for something so meaningless devalues true sorrow. If you apologize less, you not only boost your confidence but begin to choose your apologies carefully. The real ones mean more, and the self-deprecating ones stop whittling away your right to exist.

This idea of existence brings me to some general feminist knowledge about the way women are socialized to take up space — or rather, to not take up space. The standard for our bodies as women is small, both in terms of the amount of flesh on them, and also how we are told to move them. The ideal female body is lean and compact. “Girly” physicality — like leg-crossing for example — almost always tends toward folding up and scrunching in; in contrast to men, who sprawl. Picture a feminine passenger on a public bus, for example, in comparison to a masculine one. There are, of course, exceptions to this. But the point is less that all women behave a certain way, than that particular traits are deemed feminine, and others masculine. Taken together, feminine traits paint a picture of a woman who is barely there: soft voice, thin body, restrained actions. Over-apologizing reinforces this representation of a woman fading away like Marty McFly at the end of Back to the Future. It can contribute to an idea of ourselves as inferior or less entitled to the space we occupy.

I like to think of this sorry phenomenon as an exception to the rule, a vestige from a time gone by when the feminist problems I just mentioned were first recognized. The lot of women has come a long way since the days of pointy bras and miserable suburban housewives — back then, Eleanor Roosevelt was more of an exception than Pink is today. But we are not totally there. A woman in the U.S. presidency is still a dream — if an attainable one — rather than a reality. And we still need a book called Why Men Love Bitches to tell girls (in questionably feminist terms) that “bitches” get what they want because they place high value on themselves. These days, we have a better idea of what a strong woman looks like than we used to, but we have yet to fully embody it. I’ve found one place to start, and the good news is that it is completely within our control. So let’s stop apologizing — no excuses.

Jane P. Riccobono is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. She can be reached at jriccobono@cornellsun.com. Crazy Jane appears alternate Wednesdays.