By now we’re all aware that Change has swept the nation, but more importantly the last few weeks have brought great change in my life. I’m fully prepared to acknowledge the historic quality of the election, but I bombed my LSAT, I’m getting a job, and I’m moving to New York for a few years. America elected a black liberal president, and I lost my right to get married in my home state of California. I don’t know what is wreaking more havoc on my inner thighs — the LSAT or Prop 8. I’m not going to law school next year, and I’m not getting married. To be fair, I don’t have a promising candidate for husband at the moment, but I’d at least like to maintain the option of getting drunk in L.A. and marrying a call boy. Maybe Barack will let me enroll in the military, where I can find a rock hard man and gain the experience I can use as the cornerstone of my congressional campaign. Worst case scenario, I’ll end up (illegally) turning tricks on the streets of San Francisco, pining for the white-picket fence family I’m still denied.

Let’s backtrack to the beginning of this downward spiral. I received life-changing news two Saturdays ago via an email I accessed from my phone: I bombed the LSAT. After spending nearly $2000 on a Kaplan course, halting all school studying for over a month, developing a stress-related eczema problem, and gaining weight on account of constantly eating my feelings, I scored 15 points below my anticipated score. This score didn’t just bar me from Yale and Harvard — I’d be lucky to get into DeVry. I had no idea where to go from there, but I decided that I’d take some time off, move to New York, get a job, and try to find a sugar daddy to buy my way in.

Just as I was regaining my optimism, however, Tuesday struck. I’m ecstatic that Barack is going to be our next president, but I’m pissed off that he isn’t gay. Even if I find someone to fund my higher education, while we’re living in sin, we won’t be eligible for on-campus child care. I was struck by a bit on Chelsea Lately last night when they were joking about Barack. Chelsea said, “That’s always what they do in futuristic movies, they always have black presidents. Now they’re going to have to have a gay Asian president. People are like, ‘Oh my God, this must be the year 2095 …’”

That was my first thought when I found out that Barack had successfully been elected president. I thought, “If a black man can do it, a gay man can’t be too far behind.” Then I remembered that a gay man is always behind. Apparently Americans think that there is something inside of me that is evil, immoral, insincere, and disrespectful to humankind. Not only could I not get elected to Congress or the presidency, but I can’t even have a wedding. Even worse, people in Arkansas think that I don’t even deserve the right to adopt children of my own. Black people have had full rights more or less for about 40 years, whereas gays still do not have full rights in the vast majority of states in America. We can’t get married in 48 states, and we can’t even adopt children in Arkansas. I think that 2095 is too far away. I want to get married in California NOW, and I want my gay Asian president NOW!

What’s your deal, America? You’ll buy our designer clothes and hire us as lawyers and doctors, but you won’t let us feel like legitimate, equal citizens? Won’t let us live in wedded bliss in Hasbrouck apartments? You don’t see me getting signatures to amend California’s constitution to ban guns or white trash people from raising gangs of foster children. If you don’t want us to have equal rights, why don’t you just strip us of the rest of our rights and make us go somewhere gayer like Sweden or France? Just because the majority of Californians don’t believe gays deserve the same rights doesn’t mean that the minority should be stripped of those rights. The Supreme Court already pointed out the illegality of the constitutional ban, and yet it still got reinstated? I had more faith in the Left coast. I guess I should have expected this from California, since we already voted for the ban once before. Still, I was really upset that my excitement for Barack and our future had to be soured by voters in California who feel that I am not equally fit to enter a hopeless marriage and eventual divorce. Well I have hope — hope for marriage, hope for divorce, and hope for a gay Asian president.

John-David Brown is a senior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at jbrown@cornellsun.com. Country Club Cockfight appears alternate Fridays.