Ever since that historic moment when God instructed Abraham, the founding patriarch of Judaism and the ancient Israelites, to circumcise himself as a sign of their covenant, Jews have been at the forefront of wooing the ladies. It’s not our fault that, as a collective people, we get more action than a sorority house toilet after dinnertime. It’s in our genes.

Impressing chicks is about more than just cutting Hebrew School and wearing your yarmulke backwards to look cool. During our 6,000-year history, we’ve evolved many traits in order to maximize our game. For example, male pattern baldness transforms an otherwise useless skull into a smooth, shiny beacon. Like a moth to a bug zapper, our domes signal to women “Over here, I’m an investment banker or doctor!” Our generous endowment of body hair tells the ladies that we’ll keep them warm at night, and there’s a little something extra to clean up in the shower. Our high pitched, nasal voices inform the biddies of all complaints, grievances, and digestive problems we are currently experiencing or anticipating.

We Jews wrote the book on macking on honeys. It’s called the Bible. Ever heard of it? Some of Canaan’s biggest players star in this epic pick-up guide. Check my man Lot. Lot’s two daughters lived with him in a cave, liquored his ass up, and proceeded to jump his bones. An incestuous threesome? Nowadays you have to pay extra for that!

Later on, Bathsheba caught King David creeping on her while she took a bath on the roof. But D-money played it cool and, with God as his heavenly wingman, got to know her in the Biblical sense. Hell, even Jesus got freaky nasty with Mary Magdalene.

The grand tradition of Jewish womanizing remains a cornerstone of our faith to this day. Noted foreskin-less playboys include Hugh Heffner, the founder of Playboy magazine, Ron Jeremy, the infamous porn star who claims to be capable of auto-fellatio, and Woody Allen, the filmmaker who took up King David’s mantle by eventually marrying his adopted stepdaughter Soon-Yi.

Jewish history has profoundly shaped our strategy for women. When Moses (who was known to part the Red Sea, if you catch my drift) persuaded the Pharaoh to let his people go, the Israelites fled their bondage in Egypt as fast as they could before the Pharaoh could change his mind. For this reason, the Israelites didn’t have time to put yeast in their bread before they peaced, the bread couldn’t rise, and confused gentiles buy ten-cent sale price matzah boxes after Passover is over. By the way, ancient Egyptians, I’m still waiting for my slavery reparation check.

This exodus provided the model for the time-honored tradition of Jewish speed dating. Cornell Hillel sponsored one a few weeks ago. Participants must quickly convince a stranger that they will make a suitable mate before three minutes is up and the date changes her mind. Hopefully, there’s still no yeast in the oven and the man is sober enough that his bread is able to rise. The three-minute date length is not arbitrary. Talmudic scholars meticulously determined that this is the shortest length of time in which someone can determine if another person is both hot and disease-free.

OK, so you’ve successfully tricked someone into believing that you’re not a morally bankrupt scumbag and are worth a second date. What should you do? First, thank Yahweh. Second, before the date, steal a bouquet of flowers from one of Cornell’s many poorly guarded gardens and give them to the girl when you meet her. She will be impressed by your thoughtful resourcefulness. Be sure to mention at least several times how much she reminds you of your mother.

Then, use a meal pass to swipe her into one of Cornell’s award-winning dining halls. May I recommend romantic RPCC? The view of the parking lot and bus stop is beautiful in the moonlight, and the Leftover Food From Two Days Ago Casserole is simply divine. At this point, your companion for the night should be positively swooning. After you take her back to your place, dim the lights, put on the Hebrew Hammer, and proceed to dry hump for the next three to four hours. If you’re feeling particularly randy, you can engage in the Star of David, which is the national sexual position of the country of Israel. Both parties spread their legs into a V and, well, you get the idea.

The next morning, wake up early and carefully weigh guaranteed sex on a regular basis with having your soul and personal identity sucked out by a cold, nagging, menstrual, attention-demanding scorpion-woman for the next several years.

Finally, eat a bagel with lox and cream cheese. You deserve it!

Impressing chicks is about more than just cutting Hebrew School and wearing your yarmulke backwards to look cool.