Having now lived half my life in this country, I like to think that I have a pretty good understanding of what makes America and its citizens tick. But there is still one thing I don’t get.

Why do you want to study in Paris?

Growing up, the only study abroad program I knew about was called, “apply for a green card.” And it was for life, not for one semester. Given that my country was undergoing political, social, and economic upheaval at the time I left, I think coming to America was a prudent choice. Since then, I have learned to fit in with my American comrades and say the pledge of allegiance. I have even picked up your language. But I have never had, nor understood, the desire to study in Paris. Although now that I think about it, America is also undergoing social, political, and economic upheaval, but I have not yet heard this reason quoted by kids who go abroad.

I am not going to deny the obvious benefits of going abroad. You get to experience new culture. You get to try new food and visit museums. You learn to speak a new language and expand the left side of your brain. You get to visit the birthplaces of many of your favorite artists and authors (be sure to check out Lithuania). Your worldview will be broadened, and you will understand that people all around the world are actually, contrary to what you now think, a lot like you!

Wait, what? Sorry, I got carried away there. For a minute I thought I was writing my college essay again. Going abroad is nothing more than an excuse to get drunk and run around the streets half naked, screaming, “vive la resistance.” Sort of like Election Day, which itself is nothing more than practice for your going-abroad-trip.

I understand that by insulting going-abroad-trips and the election, the two pillars on which collegiate America stands, I may be forced to go “study abroad” for the rest of my life by the powers that be. I don’t mind. It would at least give me a chance to finally go to the Louvre. Also, I will have an excuse to update my Facebook status every day. “Yevgeniy is The hills along the Trebuchét valley are among the most beautiful rolling hills that I have ever seen. Check them out in my rolling hills photo album. Also check out this new song I just recorded with my flamenco guitar. This status was donated for Ron Paul. Donate your status now.” Just going abroad won’t be enough for me. I will find it impossible to let you know of even the most minute detail of my life without name dropping all the foreign people I’ve met. I will take photos of myself shaking hands with statues and in front of light-sensitive masterpieces. And everyone will have to know whether I’m north or south of the Watford gap and what kind of exotic beer I tasted there. Otherwise, what the hell is the point?

Going abroad would be worth it just so that I would never have to hear another person say how much he or she would, “just love to go abroad for a semester.” With the “going abroad” season upon us, it’s happening to me in almost every class. First I will ask, “How do you do problem seven in the homework?” Then, inevitably, the reply will be, “Oh, I don’t know. I was too busy picking out the institute I want to study in while I’m at the Sorbonne in Paris next semester.” Then everyone will say, “Oh really ? That’s so cool! I always wanted to go to Europe — it’s so cultural there.” While I, the guy who spent his formative years in Europe (still waiting on those credits to transfer), am ignored, they rush out of the classroom and to their respective registrars to sign up for a Eurotour. Why does this always happen when I need help with my homework?

Luckily though, I go to the one of the best universities in America. It’s easy to get help here. And since America has the best higher education system in the world, by force of logic I therefore go to one of the best universities in the world. And so do you. So why would you sacrifice half a year of top-notch education? The educational opportunities in Europe can’t even begin to match those here. Hotel School? More like Hostel School.

Just remember that no matter where you go in Europe (Georgia is always nice this time of year), and no matter what accent you adopt while you are there, you will always be an American. And even though using fancy words with umlauts and accent marks like I have here might impress your friends stateside, it’s not going to fly in the Union. Those letters aren’t exotic to them. They are vital parts of their alphabet.

On a personal note, of course I’d love to be drunk in Prague for 10 weeks of my life. Hell, I wouldn’t mind doing that in Ithaca either. Too bad I can’t afford it, financially or academically (not so many great orgo labs off the coast of St. Tropez). So I choose to belittle it. And if that’s not American, then neither am I.

Yevgeniy is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at yfeldman@cornellsun.com. That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Mondays.