What follows is in reply to “The Doggy-Style Lover,” a controversial and thought provoking piece which raised the issue of alcoholism and gender equality at Cornell.

Welcome to The For Real Cornell Diaries, where I print the totally accurate, recorded lives of Cornell students. This week only, a new made up diary will be printed. While I maintain nothing about anything, all facts have been verified and all diaries record the true, unedited lives of different Cornell students living in The Real 14853.

9:30 AM: Still sleeping. Gonna check back on myself later.

10:00AM: I’m awake now. Need to sober up though. I’m out of vodka and aspirin so I try to shotgun some cologne. The bottle breaks and cuts my lip, but now I smell awesome and don’t need to shower. Still hung over though.

10:30AM: The cologne has made me drunk. I realize that I only drink because that is what kids my age are supposed to do. Decide to bring the topic up in my philosophy class.

11:00AM: Wake up my pathetic excuse for a girlfriend. She tells me she loves me and asks if we’re all out of cologne. Disgusting. I ignore her and go wake up my frat bros to give them high fives. AWRESOME!

11:30AM: Choose to skip philosophy class so I can chill out some more. Golly, I am such a Cornell stereotype.

12:00 p.m.: All sobered up. Contemplate which blazer to wear for my I-Banking open info session tonight. I lie to all my friends and tell them I’m going for an interview. They all tell me they’re interviewing there too. The joke is on them though ’cause I know there are no interviews today. We high five each other.

12:20 p.m.: Oh, collegiate life, how I enjoy you.

12:30 p.m.: I watch American Psycho while quoting scenes from Wall Street to get prepped for the rest of the grueling day. I choose the black blazer and thank God for being born privileged.

1:00 p.m.: Print my schedule from Just the Facts and go to class.

1:30 p.m.: Am quarter-carded on my way to Goldwin Smith. Some kids are protesting that Inequality Studies is only offered as a minor. Does Inequality Studies not deserve to be offered as a major too? Is it any less entitled than more “traditional” majors? Does it not have the right to equal credit requirements?

1:32 p.m.: Ponder issues.

1:35 p.m.: Rip off my blazer. I have taken a side. Call my girlfriend and apologize for everything. She tells me that it’s okay because she’s been a bad girl. I explain the concept of equality to her. At first she does not understand (society must have gotten to her before I did). She finally realizes that she is my equal and throws up all over my room to get back at me. Bitch.

1:40 p.m.: Renounce my new ways and embrace my manhood. Tell protesters that, “Rimbaud can suck it.”

3:00 p.m.: Still running away from them.

3:05 p.m.: They catch up to me, ask me for my email address, and promise to send me hate mail. I was too weak …

3:30 p.m.: Realize that if I stay this sober any longer I will get kicked out of Cornell. Go to C-Town.

3:45 p.m.: Walk past CTB. Upon my arrival, scores of students rush out of their apartments to give me beer. Wow being a college student is so great because this happens to me all the time everyday for four years. Golly, I am such a Cornell stereotype.

6:00 p.m.: Wake up somewhere on Eddy in nicer clothes than I passed out in. How the hell did I get here?

6:20 p.m.: I am now sufficiently plastered to go to this info session. I get there early to make a good impression. 300 people are already in line, all more drunk than me. There aren’t enough nametags for everyone. We have to start cutting the little stickers in half. Things aren’t looking good for me right now.

6:30 p.m.: It gets a little crazy when they run out of nametags.

6:45 p.m.: Damn it, all my friends are at the info session too. Even the ones who are majoring in Comp. Lit. How the hell did they get invited? What sort of list-servs are these people on!?

7:00 p.m.: Try not to laugh when, “proud history of honest dealings,” is mentioned. Try not to cry when they announce, “We will hire no one.”

7:30 p.m.: Someone asks a generic question about corporate culture to curry nametag-favor. I beat myself up for not thinking of that first. Hell, I don’t even have a nametag. At least I’ll feel better when I get home and beat my woman.

7:45 p.m.: Decide to stop pretending I have a girlfriend.

8:00 p.m.: Get home and drink some more. Write a completely fictitious story about how I spend my day sober and in love and submit it to the Cornell Sun for a few laughs. Like anyone will believe that I don’t drink all day and that I show women the respect I’d show to anyone else. Haha. Yeah right; maybe if I went to Brown. There’s no way it’ll be interpreted as anything but hyperbolic satire. No way at all.

Yevgeniy is a junior in the College of Arts and Sciences. He can be reached at yfeldman@cornellsun.com. That Really Grinds My Gears appears alternate Mondays.