Here’s a riddle for you. What do you call a twelve-year-old male in a middle school classroom? If you guessed “a kid with an awkward boner,” then you’re right! Testosterone has a way of awakening the beast up to 20 times a day, usually for no reason at all. For pubescent guys, hard-ons are a lot like herpes outbreaks. They always pop up at the most inconvenient times, and they’re really hard to get rid of.

Unfortunately for today’s youth, school provides absolutely no practical information about what to do with a spontaneous one-member salute. Unless, of course, you call watching some unfortunate-looking spinster who probably learned everything she knows about sex from a textbook pull a condom up her arm useful information. Teens aren’t getting answers and society is paying the price. Hell, I’m 19 and I still don’t know where the clitoris is!

At Herbert Hoover Middle School, we learned about the birds and the bees from a 1979 movie called Am I Normal? The film follows the adventures of Jimmy, a curious young lad keen to learn all he can about “the male penis.” Jimmy starts his journey by asking his cooler, more mature friend Tony about the changes in his body. Tony, who is living proof that pregnant mothers shouldn’t sit on microwaves, tells Jimmy about a man who “had an erection two feet long [and] held it there for 48 days and three people sat on it before it finally snapped off.”

Jimmy continues his quest at the library, where, embarrassed, he reads a book about masturbation in a bathroom stall. We then learn that Tony may be a little gay and a little creepy when he mistakenly assumes Jimmy is masturbating in the bathroom and decides to poke his head into Jimmy’s stall.

Finally, Jimmy pays a visit to a zookeeper. The man is a Dong Expert, because he sees “a LOT of penises. Animal penises, that is.” The video comes to a heartwarming close when the zookeeper explains that your penis size has nothing to do with your size as a man.

You may now return from the edge of your seats. The pointlessness and idiocy of this movie may seem funny as you suck down your latte in Libe Cafe, but there’s nothing funny about a six-inch salami flag-poling from your crotch in a public place.

For example, let’s say little Richard Picklepacker is sitting behind Eleanor Earlyblossom in shop class. Mr. Fourfinger calls Richard to the front of the class to help with a demonstration, but Richard’s baby pump is coming up for air. Does he ask a zookeeper for help?

Absolutely not. Richard should get up slowly, hunch forward, and walk with his ass sticking out to hide the evidence. Also, because he is in a shop class, boner safety is key. He should keep an eye out for saws, hard corners, and girls with sharp teeth. Another acceptable solution is to come to class drunk. There’s nothing like Whiskey Dick to lower the sails on the ol’ mizzenmast.

Boner myth #1: An erection is a bone. False. Contrary to popular belief, an erection is neither a “bone,” nor is it a “ner.”

Boner myth #2: It is impolite to get an erection when dancing with a girl. False. When a girl mashes her ass into your quail eggs and sausage link, it’s pretty much understood that your Goodyear Blimp will fill up with air. In fact, I would say that it’s impolite NOT to get a boner during such activity.

Boner myth #3: Guys like handjobs. I don’t know who started this slanderous lie, but it’s simply not true. Why would we want a rookie to bat for us when we’ve been practicing for years and can do it better? Partners should stick to “jobs” that they don’t “blow” so much at performing.

I also wanted to debunk some superstitions about a girl’s entrance into womanhood, but since until recently I thought a period was a dot at the end of a sentence, I had to do a little research. Here’s some advice for the monthly bleeders out there:

Menstruation myth #1: It’s more cost effective and environmentally friendly to recycle tampons. False. Contrary to what Al Gore may say, for the love of God, please do not reuse tampons or share them with friends. The same goes for band-aids and toilet paper.

Menstruation myth #2: Girls on their periods are more likely to be attacked by sharks and bears. Inconclusive. While my research claims this is false, I’m pretty sure that it’s at least partially true. I mean, sharks can smell blood from a mile a way!

I hope this has filled in some of the holes in your health education. Happy sexual maturation!

Daniel Eichberg is a sophomore in the College of Arts and Sciences. Contact him at deichberg@cornellsun.com. Straight No Chaser appears alternate Wednesdays.