I know it’s Day One — or maybe Day Two, who knows? — and we should be tapering the celebration and demanding that the Big O get rolling down that bold new course he so adamantly promised us. But I’ve been waiting for eight long years and I’ll be god-damned if I’m going to recede into soberness just hours after watching honor and dignity finally and dramatically be restored to the White House. I think a star-studded concert in the foreground of a national monument is in order!
Unfortunately every living American performing artist has been exhausted after a logjam of concerts in D.C. this week, leaving my post-inauguration celebration lacking both entertainment and awkward cut-aways to national leaders rigidly “dancing” to pop tunes. It’s a shame. No Springsteen, no Usher, not even Billy Ray Cyrus has enough left in the old pipes for one last I-week performance.
Bottom line — we who aren’t so eager to fall back into the old political whining routine are forced to reminisce about concerts of old, most notably Monday night’s Kids’ Inaugural: We are the Future (KI:WARF), brought to us by the good people at the Disney Channel.
Corbin Bleu! Malia Obama! (Still Lil’) Bow Wow! Dr. Jill Biden! Miley FUCKING Cyrus!
A little exposition — the aforementioned concert thankfully took place not at a hollowed national monument, but at D.C.’s dazzling Verizon Center. It was broadcast on the Disney Channel and featured performances from Disney slaves like C. Bleu, M. Cyrus, etc. Also inexplicably making appearances were Oscar winners Jamie Foxx and Queen Latifah, Kill Bill: Vol. 1 star Lucy Liu and supposed comedian George Lopez. Armed Forces members entirely composed the audience, along with their shrieking, ostensibly annoying little kids. Michelle and the Obama daughters plus Jill and the Biden granddaughters sat in the front row, flanked by downright thrilled-looking Secret Service agents.
The show lasted 90 minutes and was inter-cut by incredibly funny cartoons, intensely difficult presidential multiple-choice questions and absolutely enthralling interviews in which performers were asked questions submitted by fans on Disney.com. Questions I sent to both the Jonas Brothers and M. Cyrus did not make final broadcast. Opportunity to ask B.R. Cyrus questions apparently unavailable.
Now a little reminiscing.
After opening the show with the national anthem (a la the rodeo, monster truck rallies, high school graduations, etc.), M. Cyrus hit the stage wearing a strapless red prom dress to sing a song that many-a-seventh-grader will slow-dance to at this year’s Soph Hop. I’d take a shot at her probably illegal relationship with her 20-year-old boyfriend, but she’s more powerful than Barack and I am not about to test her ability to make me vanish without a trace. Anyway, I’m sure it’s consensual and PG-13 — just like I’m sure she’s really 16.
High School Musical’s Corbin Bleu, who won’t even have to change his name if he falls on hard times and is forced to get into porn, then unapologetically performed wearing Paul McCartney’s blue sailor’s uniform from the cover of Sgt. Pepper’s. I also decided that he’d wear a more socially acceptable haircut if he didn’t look like a younger LL Cool J. It’s a striking resemblance in need of further research for a possible biological connection.
Some chick named Demi Lovato (again, easy transition into porn) then gave a forgettable performance. (I literally have no memory of it or her, which probably reflects well on her in this case.)
Some verbatim notes I look during the concert: “Very toby keith-y”…”T-shirt cannons don’t translate well to TV”…”Drummer Jonas brother too?”… “Our poor troops. Aw”… “Usher, sex addict?”
After each song, every performer (excluding D. Lovato) eventually worked his or her way off stage and down to the first row in order to let the Obama girls slap them five — even 10, at times, if lucky. Who do these people think they are? These chicks get tucked in by the leader of the free world every night, I doubt a mid-performance high-five from virgin-y little Kevin Jonas is going to make some sort of everlasting impression on them.
And by the way, why isn’t Kevin Jonas universally recognized as a pedophile? At the age of 21, he serenades elementary school chicks nightly, he seductively smiles and blows kisses as drooling 12-year-olds shriek at him, and somehow it’s all OK because he claims virginity? That kid is a virgin in the same way Britney Spears was a virgin while she was living with Justin Timberlake. He’s a freak and he gets my vote for the KI:WARF performer most likely to appear on Vh1’s Celebrity Rehab 22.
But for all the low blows I’ve swung at both KI:WARF and these poor kids who provided the entertainment, there was something refreshing about the event. There’s something enduring about getting a good old slice of good old American absurdity right in the middle of economic, geo-political and planetary turmoil. A uniquely American irrational optimism found its way into every nook of that concert.
“Obama’s gonna come in and fix all that’s broken now, and you youngsters have got the rest on lock because you know what? You really are the future! Let’s celebrate, ladies and gentlemen, Hannah Montana!”
Maybe not the most realistic mindset, but it’s only Day One! Two! Can’t this honeymoon last a little longer?