Annnnnnnnnnd we’re back! It's been a VILLAINOUSLY cold winter, but things at HEROES & VILLAINS are starting to get HEROICALLY hot in here. We’re excited … and you should take your clothes off.

We sighed with relief as Cornell announced that it HEROICALLY escaped the wrath of the VILLAINOUS Bernie Madoff. Although the school may have dodged the bullet on the VILLAINOUS $50 billion Ponzi scheme, we found out it’s not all smooth sailing in Cornell’s investment office. With VILLAINOUS budget cuts being thrown at the school from the state, and an even more VILLAINOUS 27-percent loss in the endowment, Cornell faces some tough times. We just hope the folks in Day Hall can foot the bill for those SUPER-HEROIC iPhones. ’Cause they’re just pimp.

We’ve already begun to see Cornell hit hard where it hurts. Most notably, the VILLAINOUS closure of Tower Café has left many of us wondering where we will turn for our soy chai lattes on weekend mornings. Perhaps it’s time Libe Café — Tower’s one-time rival — HEROICALLY swept in and opened earlier in order to help offset those VILLAINOUS hangovers.

We now ponder why Cornell couldn’t spare the change to keep Tower Café alive, while it rolled out the big bucks last fall for some HEROIC newly upholstered Big Red chairs in Libe right next door. Goliath has finally killed David, spilled coffee grinds on him and has eaten his remains. We don’t care that much though, for Uris’s VILLAINOUS entrance never did abide by American laws of traffic. Let’s just say now far less people will get caught going in through the out door.

Many of us at H&V are still recovering from our slew of HEROIC inaugural festivities earlier this week. Granted we were happy our HERO Barack Hussein Obama became president, but we really appreciated the Inauguration because it gave us an excuse to HEROICALLY miss the second day of classes. Highlights of the day included Aretha Franklin’s HEROIC hat and seeing the VILLAINOUS George Bush board Air Force One for his final ride (if you know what we mean). We’re excited to see what the next four years have in store.

While we won’t be shedding many tears in light of Bush’s exit, we will be mourning the VILLAINOUS loss of Cornell’s HEROIC Department of Theoretical and Mechanical Engineering. Come on, Foxy Fuchs! What department can we turn to for HEROIC things like underwater vehicles and insect robots that can fly? And oh, for the record, how do we pronounce your last name?

As the week came to a close we were shocked to hear that the now VILLAINOUS restaurants, Taste of Thai and Tamarind, failed to pay their HEROIC workers appropriate wages. Here at H&V, we’re caught in a VILLAINOUS moral conundrum — it’s unclear how much longer we can sustain without HEROIC pad thai and chicken satay.