Opinion
25 Things You Might Not Know About Me
February 6, 2009 - 12:00am
In light of the recent Facebook phenomenon, whereby people list 25 “interesting” tidbits about themselves and then force 25 of their “friends” to do the same, I’ve copied and pasted mine here.
1. I’m a classically trained bassoonist. In German, the word for bassoon is faggot.
2. Lacy Peterson went to my middle school. Her and Conner are buried in the cemetery across the street from my house. My parents want to be buried there as well.
3. I’m uncircumcised. And every time I have sexual intercourse I worry that it might rip like my little brother’s did. (See my previous column, “Uncut Bonding," Oct. 9, 2008.)
4. I played doctor with a little girl named Jenny at daycare. I definitely twiddled her butt hole. I think that was telling of things to come ;)
5. When I was about 10 we visited my mom’s family in Missouri. My cousin Chris told me that if he ever became gay, to shoot him in the face with a shotgun.
6. I used to jerk off to lesbian porn. Needless to say, I had no choice but to come out as bi. Gross.
7. I’ve slept with two and a half black men. What they say is true — nine inches of throbbing truth.
8. I’m an Eagle Scout. My Boy Scout troop was all Mormon. They used to send conversion carolers to my house during the holidays.
9. I went to the Bahamas for Spring Break two years ago with some friends. We took a trip to Anna Nicole’s gravesite and snapped a group photo in front of it. When we got back, I wrote “Pink is the New Pilgrimage” on it and Pink is the New Blog posted it on their website.
10. I got punched in the face outside of a Taco Bell just before I left for college. He was wearing a cut-off sleeve Green Day t-shirt.
11. I was the drum major for my middle school and high school marching bands. I placed second at the Santa Cruz Marching Band Parade.
12. Besides the bassoon, I can also play the saxophone, oboe, trombone, piano, violin and xylophone.
13. I have a premature ejaculation problem when I’m on Adderall or trying to be on top. Did you know that about me? I thought not.
14. I think that “Nina Pretty Ballerina” is ABBA’s best song. “Thank You For the Music” is hands down the worst.
15. Well over half of my diet is frozen foods and alcohol.
16. I was born at the stroke of midnight. The nurses wrote down April 24th and the doctor had to correct them and change my birthday to the 25th.
17. I’m friends with a 45-year-old meth-addict named Denny. We worked together for the Stanislaus County Department of Parks and Recreation picking up trash and cleaning bathrooms at parks in the ghettos of Modesto.
18. I have a secret crush on a boy who has more body hair than I do. We would make such a cute fire hazard.
19. One day this past summer I woke up in Astoria, Queens with an ugly 30-year-old who worked at the Hard Rock Café. He lived with a haggard ex-meth-addict woman. I commented on the numerous Madonna posters and memorabilia staining every crevice of their living room, and his roommate told me that they were HUGE fans. She proceeded to lower the tube sock on her left leg to reveal a calf tattoo of Madonna with her cone boobs and headset-microphone.
20. I got out of doing P.E. in high school by taking a fencing class at the junior college and T.A.-ing a P.E. class for third graders and Autistic children.
21. My mom used to be a badass biker chick and worked in industrial labor. She got sued once for punching a bitch and breaking four of her teeth. Now she’s an accountant for a livestock and feed company.
22. I’ve slept in bed with my gay best friend numerous times, but we’ve never done anything. Except for early on in our friendship when I forcefully mouth-raped him.
23. My freshman year roommate gave me the silent treatment for two months after I spilled red wine on his bamboo mat. We have since reconciled, but still pretend we’re strangers when we awkwardly run into each other around campus.
24. Taylor Swift is my guiltiest pleasure. “You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess / It’s a love story, baby, just say, ‘yes’.” Lyrical. Genius.
25. This summer I was at an event with Kenneth Cole and Padma from Top Chef. When I went to talk to Padma, I got star-struck and only told her, “I think you’re wonderful. Just wonderful.” I regret wasting my star-struck energy on such a lame celebrity.
I thought about calling this column “24 Things You Might Not Know About Me. And One Lie.” But I couldn’t think of a lie. I almost added “I have a tattoo of a rainbow on my left hip. I want to get the colors retouched but the tattoo artist refuses to do it because I have AIDS. Maybe you’ll get lucky and graze it some day.” People get so touchy about rainbow tattoos these days, though, you know?
In light of the recent Facebook phenomenon, whereby people list 25 “interesting” tidbits about themselves and then force 25 of their “friends” to do the same, I’ve copied and pasted mine here.
1. I’m a classically trained bassoonist. In German, the word for bassoon is faggot.
2. Lacy Peterson went to my middle school. Her and Conner are buried in the cemetery across the street from my house. My parents want to be buried there as well.
3. I’m uncircumcised. And every time I have sexual intercourse I worry that it might rip like my little brother’s did. (See my previous column, “Uncut Bonding," Oct. 9, 2008.)
4. I played doctor with a little girl named Jenny at daycare. I definitely twiddled her butt hole. I think that was telling of things to come ;)
5. When I was about 10 we visited my mom’s family in Missouri. My cousin Chris told me that if he ever became gay, to shoot him in the face with a shotgun.
6. I used to jerk off to lesbian porn. Needless to say, I had no choice but to come out as bi. Gross.
7. I’ve slept with two and a half black men. What they say is true — nine inches of throbbing truth.
8. I’m an Eagle Scout. My Boy Scout troop was all Mormon. They used to send conversion carolers to my house during the holidays.
9. I went to the Bahamas for Spring Break two years ago with some friends. We took a trip to Anna Nicole’s gravesite and snapped a group photo in front of it. When we got back, I wrote “Pink is the New Pilgrimage” on it and Pink is the New Blog posted it on their website.
10. I got punched in the face outside of a Taco Bell just before I left for college. He was wearing a cut-off sleeve Green Day t-shirt.
11. I was the drum major for my middle school and high school marching bands. I placed second at the Santa Cruz Marching Band Parade.
12. Besides the bassoon, I can also play the saxophone, oboe, trombone, piano, violin and xylophone.
13. I have a premature ejaculation problem when I’m on Adderall or trying to be on top. Did you know that about me? I thought not.
14. I think that “Nina Pretty Ballerina” is ABBA’s best song. “Thank You For the Music” is hands down the worst.
15. Well over half of my diet is frozen foods and alcohol.
16. I was born at the stroke of midnight. The nurses wrote down April 24th and the doctor had to correct them and change my birthday to the 25th.
17. I’m friends with a 45-year-old meth-addict named Denny. We worked together for the Stanislaus County Department of Parks and Recreation picking up trash and cleaning bathrooms at parks in the ghettos of Modesto.
18. I have a secret crush on a boy who has more body hair than I do. We would make such a cute fire hazard.
19. One day this past summer I woke up in Astoria, Queens with an ugly 30-year-old who worked at the Hard Rock Café. He lived with a haggard ex-meth-addict woman. I commented on the numerous Madonna posters and memorabilia staining every crevice of their living room, and his roommate told me that they were HUGE fans. She proceeded to lower the tube sock on her left leg to reveal a calf tattoo of Madonna with her cone boobs and headset-microphone.
20. I got out of doing P.E. in high school by taking a fencing class at the junior college and T.A.-ing a P.E. class for third graders and Autistic children.
21. My mom used to be a badass biker chick and worked in industrial labor. She got sued once for punching a bitch and breaking four of her teeth. Now she’s an accountant for a livestock and feed company.
22. I’ve slept in bed with my gay best friend numerous times, but we’ve never done anything. Except for early on in our friendship when I forcefully mouth-raped him.
23. My freshman year roommate gave me the silent treatment for two months after I spilled red wine on his bamboo mat. We have since reconciled, but still pretend we’re strangers when we awkwardly run into each other around campus.
24. Taylor Swift is my guiltiest pleasure. “You’ll be the prince and I’ll be the princess / It’s a love story, baby, just say, ‘yes’.” Lyrical. Genius.
25. This summer I was at an event with Kenneth Cole and Padma from Top Chef. When I went to talk to Padma, I got star-struck and only told her, “I think you’re wonderful. Just wonderful.” I regret wasting my star-struck energy on such a lame celebrity.
I thought about calling this column “24 Things You Might Not Know About Me. And One Lie.” But I couldn’t think of a lie. I almost added “I have a tattoo of a rainbow on my left hip. I want to get the colors retouched but the tattoo artist refuses to do it because I have AIDS. Maybe you’ll get lucky and graze it some day.” People get so touchy about rainbow tattoos these days, though, you know?
It's actually spelled
It's actually spelled "fagott" in German, and it's pronounced differently.