We’re fucked unless we get people spending again. Tax cuts, government initiatives, refunds, rebates, shovel-ready projects — all forms of stimulation designed to pad the American wallet, to give America a little walkin’ around money as they jazz up the ol’ infrastructure, to get people spending again. This is our real solution to the depression.

Ultimately, we don’t need bailouts or tax cuts or green jobs, but spending. We, the American people, gotta get spending like it’s 1998. Politicians may disagree about the means of stimulation, but there is no doubt that America has to get back to what America does best — consume. Buy shit, people. Spend that hard-earned dime on something real nice, because it’s only as good as what you can buy with it.

The time is ripe for material revolution. Take it to the streets! Let’s make THINGS important again. Only when widespread consumption is reachieved will America truly be right. I want those store shelves bear. I what that boredom amused. I want those landfills over-freaking-flowing.

It’s up to each and every one of us to spend, to spend and spend and spend, so we can end this depression once and for all. And I’ll do my part. I have $696.45 in my bank account and 41 cold hard American bucks in my wallet, and by the end of the day I’m going to spend every goddamned penny of it. This is my patriotism, this is my contribution, this is the promise of our solution — a shopping list.

Oak Stump Farms Japanese Beetle Trap ($13.95). This package includes both the trap and the lure. It attracts beetles who would otherwise be defacing valuable garden statuettes and grossing-out soccer-playing six-year-olds. It also lasts for all of beetle season.

Briana 3-Hole Blow Up Doll by Vivid ($21.86). The website description reads, “Their sexy faces are ready for your pleasure.” This sex doll bares the face of an actual Vivid Video porn star. It also features three separate holes and is packaged in a small hang tab box.

Dynex® - 22” 720p 60Hz Flat-Panel LCD HDTV ($299.99). This product also features 1366 x 768 pixel resolution, 3-to-2 inverse pulldown and five-ms response time. Television is a basic need. Being under-entertained as this depression deepens is an incredibly dangerous proposition.

DirecTV CHOICE Package ($49.99/mo). Includes over 150 digital channels as well as A&E, Bravo, Disney, CMT and many more(!) channels in HD. See above for explanation.

Nyquil Cold & Flu Liquid [Cherry Flavor] ($14.99). Relieves various ailments including nighttime sleeplessness and coughing. Dextromethorphan is an active ingredient. The illusion of cherries makes this the most desirable drug for sleep-stimulation.

Brazzers.com 12-Month membership ($7.95/mo). This site bills itself as “The World’s Best Pornsite.” It updates three times a day and features more than 2,100 exclusive scenes. It’s important to maintain some sort of human interaction during this economic downturn. In addition it’s necessary to choose a pornsite with several hundred exclusive scenes, preferably over 2,000.

Four AA Energizer Ultimate Lithium Batteries ($9.99). This is the world’s longest lasting AA battery in high-tech devices. It lasts seven hours longer than Energizer Max batteries in handheld GPS devices. Most importantly it performs in temperatures ranging from - 40 to 140 degrees Fahrenheit.

XBOX 360 Arcade ($199.99). Includes HDMI output. Includes wireless controller. Includes 256M of memory. Includes instant access to Xbox LIVE Silver. Supports 720p and 1080i high definition resolution or 480p standard definition resolution, in 16-to-9 widescreen, with anti-aliasing …

Trojan Vibrating Ring Latex Condom ($11.99). A single condom. But it lasts up to 20 minutes, includes a small battery, and provides intimate vibrations for both partners. Battery-powered latex is a great way to make sex that is otherwise boring, meaningless and sad instantly fascinating.

KitchenAid® Chef's Chopper® Series 3-Cup Food Processor ($39.99). The blade in this food processor is made of stainless steel.

OneChanbara: Bikini Samurai Squad for XBOX 360 ($39.99). This videogame features sexy samurai sisters who attempt to stop a zombie infestation. Notice the price is the same as the food processor. They are equally as valuable.

Old Spice Pro + Strength Anti-Perspirant/Deodorant, Swagger, Advanced Solid ($8.99). This deodorant is clinically proven to protect against wetness and odor. It is also endorsed by Chicago Bears middle-linebacker Brian Urlacher.

Charmin Ultra Strong 2-Ply Bathroom Tissue, Big Rolls ($9.79). Made in USA. It is vital that you consume items that are made in the USA. That way your money falls in the hands of potential consumers of whatever it is that I am selling.

Glad ForceFlex Large Trash Drawstring Bags, 30 Gallon ($7.99). One of the side effects of the pathological consumption necessary to get us out of the depression is an enormous amount of waste. Metallic trash, chemical muck and other detritus gloriously accumulating in landfills that stand valiantly as beautiful symbols of our way of life.