As I look around campus, I’m horrified at the bevy of the fat asses parading around as if they don’t even care that Spring Break is right around the corner. What’s worse is that the fatties are mostly men. Because I care so deeply about the state of the male Cornell student body, I have compiled a little how-to for pursuing what myself and countless other gays have termed “Manorexia.”

Let’s face it guys, no matter how much you weigh, there’s a little nervosa in all of us. It’s purely logical, boys: eating food leads to getting fat; ergo, not eating food leads to getting not fat.

Let’s first cover the basics. Things you can’t consume: most foods and marijuana. Acceptable things to consume: Adderall, celery, mustard, cocaine, pickles, Parliament UltraLights and cotton balls covered in either salt, orange juice or Splenda.

Does this sound difficult? Do your cellulite-covered thighs shudder at the thought of a weekend without a cheeseburger or two? Giving into indulgence is a big no-no for manorexics, so cancel your CampusFood account right now. Manorexia is a serious endeavor, and just as you’d learn any new skill or sport, you’ll need to educate yourself before you start playing.

The Rules:

For manorexics, secrecy is key. You don’t want your friends making even more fat jokes behind your back, calling you Bulimic Ben, and you definitely don’t want to draw any additional attention to your fat ass. So be discreet, and keep your eyes on the prize.

1. If anybody asks, tell them you’re training for a career as a jockey, fasting for Ramadan, or that you’re vegan.

2. Your target weight should be what you weighed in sixth grade. Add up to five pounds to this depending on how much taller you got.

3. Pick a role model to obsessively follow such as Carson Daly. Constantly ask yourself “What Would Carson Do?”

To Keep Those Pesky Cravings at Bay:

We don’t all have iron wills or bottomless pockets like Carson: even shame, stigma and a life of loneliness may not have been enough, thus far, to convince you to slim down. Fear not! It’s all about changing your attitude.

1. Overfeed a pet to displace your need to overindulge.

2. Develop an oral fixation: chew gum, straws, hair, nails, cigarettes, etc.

For Thinspiration:

This is the key to success. Without constantly reminding yourself of how disgusting you are, you may never ever change. If you should ever look in the mirror and think, “I look good,” you should probably think again. So:

1. Cry when masturbating because you know that this is your sex life until you shed a significant amount of weight. Unfortunately Jenna Jameson (or Brett Corrigan) will never reciprocate your lust and passion, so get to work ASAP.

2. Try jerking off to fat porn; you’ll realize that it’s impossible to do, just like your fat ass.

3. Notch your thighs for every 200 calories you consume.

4. Mingle with strangers in sex chat rooms and give them your real stats — no one will even cyber your 21/m/5’6’’/195 shit.

5. Date someone who makes you feel bad about yourself. That is, if your fat ass can trick anyone into getting that close.

6. Find a starvation buddy for mutual support — no one said you had to stay the course alone.

7. Deliberately put yourself in situations where you can expect rejection: ask a hot girl (or guy) on a date, send nudies to Playgirl, go to a public swimming pool.

8. Feel bad about yourself in the shower.

9. Compulsively pinch your fatty parts: flabby underarms, chunky belly, swelling love handles, heaving thighs, etc.

10. Ditch your fat friends and family members. Refer to them only for thinspiration.

11. Continually remind yourself that your penis looks bigger the less you weigh.

Bonus Points:

There’s more to it than just fasting and self-loathing! Consider taking it a few steps further if you’re succeeding (or if you really need that extra push).

1. Don’t exercise unless you’re going to overdo it.

2. Don’t forget about the two finger diet. Ana might be your bestie, but ’mia needs friends, too.

3. Need a boost on the scale? Colonics is an easy way to drop a few of the nastiest pounds stored in your lardy bod.

I hope these tips get all you fellas to a more attractive place in your life. If you aren’t going to do it for yourself, please do it for me and the rest of your peers who’ve gotten over feeling sorry for you.

Disclaimer: Neither John-David Brown nor the editors of The Sun condone the use of manorexia to achieve a healthy weight, but your fat ass can make that choice for its fat self.