As the great Calvin Coolidge once said, “No person was ever honored for what he received. He was honored for what he gave.” Thus, in a shameless grab for some honor I surely will not be receiving upon graduation, I’ve decided to give in a big way. No, I can’t promise a free car or 16 million rupee, but I think I can bestow upon you something close in value: A Survivor’s Guide to Cornell. Yes, I’m sure it has been done before, but still, I would feel selfish keeping to myself all the knowledge I’ve accumulated over the years. Anyway, here it goes:

Hate George W. Bush: This one is less applicable now that the great decider is out of office, but, as a rule, the only way to get by on this wildly liberal campus is to hate some prominent conservative father figure. Bush will likely stay in vogue as a scapegoat for Obama’s failures but you may want to try getting a little more creative. If you’re interested in some real respect, try hating on some of these other out of commission rightists: Barry Goldwater, Ronny Reagan, Larry Craig, Mayor Rudy, Palin, David Skorton and the Phillie Phanatic (who also happens to be fascist).

Leave your ID at home as a form of dieting: That’s right folks — beer is filled with carbs and will fatten you up real quick! Trying to lose a few pounds? Leave the ID at home. Nothing says unattractive more than a puffy face filled with beer fat.

Become an Atheist: God isn’t cool at Cornell so leave your faith at the door. Better yet, read up on some Dawkins or Nietzsche and commiserate with fellow Cornellians about the folly of religion and its non-egalitarian nature. If you’re really adventurous, try to spite the religious people on campus — put The Vagina Monologues in a chapel for instance.

Adopt a cause or lifestyle change: Nothing is a better predictor for success on this campus then a big lifestyle change. Make sure to adopt one that you can surprise your random friends with when running into them down the line. “Hey Derrick, guess what?! I’m a socialist now and live in Watermargin!” … “Cool, Craig! I’m the president of the Chain Yourself to Trees Society!” Right on.

Throw a shoe at Skorton: It’s all the rage these days. Shoe throwing at authority figures gets major props all around. No better way to get a point across than to chuck you insoles at an important dude’s face. And, because this is Ithaca, feel free to ask for your shoes back after you hurl. Random Ithaca resident Robin Palmer did last month and the mayor gave them back. The pressure would be on Dave to do the same.

Stay away from Risley: This is more of a message to Risley than anything else. We know what you do in that blow-up pool and frankly, it’s a little strange.

Stay away from Gannett: My Gannett stats are pretty swell. One visit, one flu shot, one flu contraction. I hope it stays that way since this paragraph will probably result in a ban (or at least make my next visit really awkward). You’re still welcome to go, though, but perhaps reconsider if you think you may be pregnant. Definitely reconsider if you think it’s mine.

Get a Blackberry: Cornellians are aspiring CEOs so, of course, they must stay ahead of the technology curve. E-Flirt today, E-Commerce tomorrow!

Center your program around sex: It’s a proven fact, your program will end up drawing more people if you put sex in the title. Understand that the value of sex-word-placement goes up by how misplaced it is next to the subject matter. “Sex with the Sexual Health Club?” Not cool. “Sex with Scubi Jew?” Book a bigger room.

Pretend you like a-cappella: Here at Cornell they may be gods, but step off of campus and they’re just a bunch of guys singing N’SYNC. No matter, when you see them under an arch, join the crowd and smile. Otherwise, you will likely be viewed as uncultured by your group-thinking peers.

Sell out early: Cornell is a bell curve. You’ll come in not caring. Then you’ll find yourself madly opposed to corporate America. Then you’ll approach graduation and realize that non-corporate America pays in peanuts. Then you’ll sell out. Do it early and forgo the pain.

Send in hate mail to The Sun: This is an important way to get your name in the paper and your likeminded colleagues to give you a pat on the back and say, “Fantastic letter, Jim.” I’m holding steady at one such letter this semester but would appreciate a few more — send away, my offended brethren!

“Thank you, your Holiness. Awesome speech.” — George W. Bush, to Pope Benedict