Yesterday, the World Bank announced — to my absolute shock — that the global economy will shrink in 2009.

I’m writing to take a stand that the time-honored tradition of gifts from one foreign leader to another continue despite this forecast.

I mean, where would our country’s relations with Saudi Arabia be if Crown Prince Abdullah bin Abdul Aziz had not lavished $130,000 of jewelry on Bush and cronies in 2003? Or … our relations with Argentina if President Néstor Kirchner hadn’t provided the First Family with 300 pounds of raw lamb?

The phenomenon of gift-giving has fascinated white anthropologists for centuries. Bronislaw Malinowski, for one, became famous for studying the culture of reciprocity amidst “savages” in the Trobriand Islands. Unfortunately, ethnocentric Malinowski and colleagues such as the French Marcel Mauss deemed gift-giving to be a mark of “otherness” — when their own cultures have always engaged in similar practices.

And who’s to blame them? Who wouldn’t want to take a job where you could be draped in emeralds and diamonds — regardless of what public opinion dictates about you? Condoleeza Rice, one of the Bush administration’s fiercest advocates of unequivocal support to Israel and continuation of the war in Iraq, was given $147,000 worth of jewelry by King Abdullah II of Jordan — a country whose population is over 70 percent comprised of Palestinian and Iraqi refugees, and where the average working citizen makes 1/50th of the jewelry’s value … per year.

There are the quirky gifts — such as Japan’s former prime minister Shinzo Abe’s wife giving Laura Bush two red, white, and blue hand-embroidered pillows for the First Dogs (Barney and Miss Beazley). There are the practical gifts — such as the prime minister of Singapore’s fitness equipment for W. including an “iGallop Core and Abs Exerciser.” Or the Belgian gift of gray and navy blue short-sleeved cycling jerseys with “George W. Bush” on the front and reverse.

It doesn’t matter that in many of these countries, much of the population is starving. It comes down to a human need for … flair, right? No matter how much President Bush was booed towards the end of his dynastic tenure, nobody got shit on a man who has an urn from El Salvador, an Afghan rug from Saudi Arabia and Christian Dior cologne and after-shave lotion (merci, Mr. Chirac). Yes, the Bushes helped solidify this tradition as one of the best time- and money- wasters that we see in global politics.

And then along comes Obama. And he has to ruin EVERYTHING! Damn it, Barack! You honestly couldn’t find time in your schedule to think of anything better than 25 DVD’s for His Highness Gordon Brown? What in the world could you be doing that is more worthwhile?!

Gordy personally dug up the Royal Navy vessel from whence your fancy new penholders come. He didn’t want to tell you, but he actually stitched the top-designer clothes for Sasha and Malia all by himself. He’s been slaving over the sewing machine all night every night since your inauguration, but Gordy doesn’t need sleep. He also, p.s., awakened the dead Winston Churchill to ask his permission to give you the seven-volume biography on his life.

What?! You don’t really care about these gifts? You actually don’t particularly care about Winnie because your grandfather was tortured in colonized Kenya under his rule? Grow up! As a London-based website puts it, “Mr. President, we understand your personal family history but sometimes those things need to be set aside when you are the President.”

Seriously. Set aside your personal shit, Obams, because you are interfering in this sanctified custom of materialism and screwing it all up. This is a Hillary-with-Russian-diplomat size mess-up and I, for one, am not going to take it anymore!

We can’t let the world know that we’re economically screwed by giving digitally-remastered copies of The Grapes of Wrath (shades of things to come?) and mistranslated buttons. We need to step it up. We must continue to flex the muscles of unnecessary accumulation in the face of adversity, or else the world might catch on that something is very wrong.

I’m watching you, Obama. Next time, you better bring Gordy a framed copy of the U.S. Constitution. Original, of course. From George Washington’s own personal collection. Or else I fear for the futures of our two glorious countries. And the world.