We at HEROES & VILLAINS frankly figured we wouldn’t have to put out a paper today, based on our totally sweet job breaking Slope Day on Wednesday. So that, paired with the fact that we're completely ready for another Spring Break, made us feel entitled to fiercely uncork the champagne and start playing flip cup. That was, until the powers that be told us to cut the crap and get to work. So we’re a few beers in, but here goes nothin’ …

First thing’s first, the HEROIC Green Café gave us some seriously VILLAINOUS indigestion after dolling out the most HEROIC of free samples yesterday at their grand opening. But it’s no biggie. That shit was free! We could tell you more about the event, but from the looks of it, every single Cornellian and their HEROIC moms got out for the HEROIC feast, so we’ll spare you the details. Competing retail chains take note: The HEROIC outpouring of gifts this week (ie. free cookies, candy, etc.) were much appreciated, so keep ’em coming.

That the Pussycat Dolls is performing on that SUPER-HEROIC hallowed greatest-of-days has gotten us thinking about spring, and slopes, and SUNshine. And we have the HEROIC Slope Day Planning Board to thank. Their work to secure a pair of top-notch performers amidst a VILLAINOUS financial pinch has us all thankful Slope Day is even existing. But enough of that corny stuff. Let’s get back to the HEROICALLY-VILLAINOUS scandals.

It leaked this week that the VILLAINOUS Weill-Cornell Medical College in New York City dolled out over $2.6 million to the VILLAINOUS government to save itself from VILLAINOUS charges that Cornell defrauded the National Institutes of Health and the Department of Defense. F’real guys? We could have thought of better ways to spend that money ... like saving the HEROIC physical sciences library. Well, maybe not. But still, research fraud? That’s just poor form.

Speaking of physical sciences, we’re not really sure what they are but we’re pretty sure they’re HEROIC ... something about figuring out the way the world works or something. Though us HEROIC humanities majors are better at pondering the world than figuring it out, we think the HEROIC science kids should have their library. The real VILLAINS are the economy and probably Tim Geithner, but who’s really counting, anyway? Oh right, we’re H&V.

And if you thought the library’s closing would have students up in arms, what will we ever do without the HEROIC ability to audit PE classes? Of course, the problem stems from the VILLAINOUS PeopleSoft, which was too overwhelmed by the task of managing audits in their VILLAINOUS system. We’re not quite sure we can handle the pressure of taking HEROIC courses like Filipino kali and Thai boxing for credit. We’ll just stick to courses in the Hotel School for now. Jokes ...

Well that’s enough mockery for one week. In our minds, it’s Slope Day already!