To get the most breaking stories, journalists have often gone places no one else would. Iraq. Iran. Bosnia. Bin-Laden’s hut. Some are not lucky enough to return, and their commitment and sacrifice to the written word is laudable.

Keeping these precedents in mind, I decided to do a little investigative journalism of my own. I risked life, limb and exposure of my IP address (and file share) to bring you the truth. In a way, I am ruining the story for you. Since I am writing this, you know that I came back safely. Yes, that is true. Physically, I am still intact. But I am not the same.

I first heard about DC++ before I came to campus. I was told it was a file-sharing network where Cornell kids swapped music and movies. Around this time I was also told Cornell was an institution open to everyone, regardless of race, creed, color and especially regardless of the fraternity your older biological brother is in. Yes, I was lied to. But I was also spared knowing the truth about DC++ for a few extra months.

At first there didn’t seem anything wrong with it. Just a cool, easy place to get some files, no strings attached. But while I was busy impressing freshman girls with the huge music library I built up, there were things going on in the DC++ “chat” window that would have frightened me had I glanced at it. Comments like “Anybody upload the new Woman vs. Goat release?” This is not music I am into. Actually, a substantial amount of the “music” on DC++ is really weird pornography.

Sharing most of these files is a select group of individuals who spend their four years on the hill on DC++. Talking, sharing, making friends. Basically, all the things everyone else does, but over the Internet. They bring their laptops to class so that they can chat in class. They bring their laptops to dinner so that they don’t have to eat alone. Now, I in no way intend to belittle them. These people are, after all, providing us with free music and movies. And weird porn.

In fact, this April 1st we were all reminded of how much we take them for granted. The DC++ powers that be upped the minimum file share to 100 gigabytes, an amount which would make anyone feel insecure about the measly amount of “music” on their computer. Luckily for us, it was just a prank. Either that or they realized that only five people on campus would be left with the new requirements.

Knowing that our time on DC++ could be cut off at any moment, I chose to venture further into their underground lair of anime, World of Warcraft, and “lols.” At first I thought they were a walled community of weirdos, impossible to rationally communicate with, much like the Student Assembly. Getting their approval was easy enough though. I just had to do some Indian trading to get a rare goat porno in the original, undubbed, Japanese. I posted it to DC++ and thirty minutes later they accepted me as one of their own and gave me DC++ privileges. In other words, I was told which users were real girls and which ones were only pretending to be girls. I spent the next few days in an Internet haze. I “lol-ed” when they “lol-ed.” I “rofled” when they “rofled.” One time I got what is called a “rofl train” run on me. We became friends, regardless of the fact that we had never met in real life. I was assured this was normal internet behavior. Even the DC++ regulars had not met in real life, despite talking to each other online for years. As it turns out, there is no “normal” on DC++. Everything goes. Except calling someone by his real name. That’s taboo.

Spending time with the guys, I noticed a trend. There were some file-sharers who would, completely unannounced, “lol” at a joke, or at a funny picture of Pedobear (a pedophilic bear with a sense of humor. He is very popular on the Internet). Then this user would disappear for hours, possibly forever. So, not only are there regular chatters, who are online at almost all times of the day and night (mostly the night), there are also users who will sit at home and wait (for four years) for the best moment to write “lol” and then promptly drop out of college. Others are too shy to even communicate in this manner, and prefer to bide their time in the virtual shadows.

When I told the guys I was from the media, they were not impressed. There was talk of banning me. The media, after all, is what these pirates have spent their college careers fighting against. But, after realizing that this was their one shot at some sort of campus recognition, they let me stay. I even got the opportunity to interview one of the big “sharers” on the hub (from what I have gathered, the hub is the dorm where DC++ers live). He refused to use his real pseudonym and instead asked to go by a fake pseudonym. He chose “RonPaul08.” RonPaul08 is a very dedicated member of the hub. He prides himself on having the most beastial pornography of anyone on campus. This specific topic isn’t one I care to go into depth about, for the reasons that it inherently disgusts me and shakes the moral foundations on which I am built. And more importantly because the last thing this newspaper needs is another in-depth look at furries. I asked RonPaul08 what he thinks the typical demographic that downloads from him is. He told me, “17 year old Asian girls. Maybe some nubile horses. ROFLROFLROFL.” I asked RonPaul08 if he is up to date with all his classwork and the issues that are going on in the rest of the world, outside of DC++. He again told me, “17 year old Asian girls. Maybe some nubile horses. ROFLROFLROFL.” A few more ROLFCOPTERS led me to believe that RonPaul08 assumes all questions are, “Who would you most like to have sex with?” As it turns out, this is a fairly common mistake to make on the Internet.

My time on DC++ came to an end when I was revealed as a phony, without any actual interest in anime or Pedobear. I lost my Internet cred, but I take comfort in the fact that while I sleep, Cornell students all around campus are posting pictures of anime characters getting pretend-raped by a bear and loling at it. And so should you. Just don’t log on at 5 a.m. or download anything.